Chapter 23: Then hold me

Soon.

Xu Lin thought it would be soon. But three months had passed since he and Ji Jixuan got married, and the man who said he’d come back when he was done had never reappeared.

At first, Xu Lin could find things to do in the villa where he was alone. The villa had three floors, and although it was regularly cleaned and already spotless, he still took a small rag and wiped everything down—from large furniture like wardrobes to small gaps between tiles. He polished everything until it gleamed, scouring every corner of the house. The rag barely got dirty.

Housework didn’t seem to need him.

He ran out of things to do again.

So Xu Lin went to the study, sat in the seat Ji Jixuan had used, and read the books on the shelves one by one, from dawn until late at night. Day after day. When he’d finished all the books in the study, Ji Jixuan still hadn’t come back.

He was home alone, with no one to talk to.

That wasn’t entirely true.

There was one day a week.

Every weekend, a delivery truck would come up the mountain with fresh groceries and daily necessities. Xu Lin would give the driver a list of what he needed, and the driver would bring it next time.

Unlike the employee who had thrown away his strawberries, this driver was professional. He handled business with Xu Lin, delivered the items, and left without ever discussing anything unrelated to work.

The first thing Xu Lin asked the driver to bring was a photo frame. He had their wedding photo printed and framed, then hung it above the bed.

His only concept of a wedding room was that there had to be a wedding photo above the bed.

Having that photo in the room made Xu Lin feel like he and Ji Jixuan were really married.

---

During the first week after Ji Jixuan left, Dr. Qin arrived on schedule over the weekend.

Dr. Qin was in his forties, wore glasses, and had a scholarly air. He always had a proper smile on his face and was a gentle Beta.

Like the delivery driver, he never spoke about anything unrelated to his work.

The treatment room on the third floor was where Dr. Qin worked. He was familiar with every machine in there. His only job was to treat Xu Lin’s face, which often meant Xu Lin spent the whole day in that room, moving from one machine to another like a migrating bird.

According to Dr. Qin, he had to report the results of each treatment to Ji Jixuan. If Xu Lin didn’t cooperate, Dr. Qin might lose his job, and the next doctor would be someone else.

So even though Xu Lin didn’t care much about the scar on his face, he didn’t want to make things difficult for others, so he obediently followed instructions.

Both Dr. Qin and the driver took orders only from Ji Jixuan.

Xu Lin tried to get information about Ji Jixuan from them—anything at all—but they were tight-lipped and never said more than necessary.

The phone Ji Jixuan had given him was new, with little sign of use, and only one number saved in it. Xu Lin wasn’t naive enough to think Ji Jixuan didn’t have other backup phones and numbers.

During the three months Ji Jixuan had been away, Xu Lin sent him messages every day.

He shared everything about his life, every little detail. Not that there was much going on in this small patch of land—just the trivialities of daily life.

He told him what he’d eaten for each meal, sent pictures of the fish in the pond that were too full to swim, showed him the flowers covered in morning dew.

At first, Ji Jixuan would reply. But as Xu Lin’s messages grew more frequent, Ji Jixuan’s responses became sparse.

Xu Lin knew he was busy and tried to hold back from disturbing him.

But living alone in the mountains was really boring.

Apart from Sundays when Dr. Qin and the driver came, Xu Lin spent the other six days exploring outside.

He knew the villa inside out, so he started exploring the mountain.

The mountain was huge. Each day, he’d explore a little more, leaving early and returning late. He could wander all day. When he found a squirrel’s nest or a rabbit, or saw pretty moss and mushrooms, he’d stop and watch for a long time.

At last, he’d found something to keep himself from going stir-crazy.

The black iron gate at the foot of the mountain never opened. It had surveillance cameras with blinking red lights. It was the only way out, and Xu Lin had promised Ji Jixuan he wouldn’t leave—so he didn’t.

Even if he did leave, he wouldn’t know where to go.

And so the days repeated, mechanically.

Three months later, one evening just as dusk was falling, Xu Lin walked into the yard with muddy shoes. He stopped in his tracks, staring at the extra car in the garage.

It wasn’t the one he’d seen before, but no one else would park there except Ji Jixuan.

Ji Jixuan was back!

Xu Lin was overjoyed. He rushed inside, kicked off his shoes at the entrance, and ran in. On the living room sofa, Ji Jixuan sat with his back to him, turning at the sound.

The moment their eyes met, Xu Lin smiled and threw himself into Ji Jixuan’s arms.

He pressed his whole weight onto him, pinning him into the sofa.

His face buried in Ji Jixuan’s chest, he couldn’t see his expression. He only felt a hand land on his back, patting him gently.

Xu Lin had so much to say, but suddenly nothing came out.

“Why did you only come back now?” He rubbed his face against the fabric of Ji Jixuan’s shirt, his voice muffled. “It’s been three months.”

He was silent for two seconds. “Sorry.”

When Ji Jixuan spoke, his chest vibrated. Xu Lin’s ear, pressed against it, tingled. He lifted his head to look at him. “Are you done with your work?”

“Not yet.” Ji Jixuan said, “I came back for a bit to see you.”

Xu Lin was taken aback. “You’re leaving again? How long are you staying?”

“Three days.”

Xu Lin slumped back onto his chest, disappointed. “…You’ve been gone so long, and you’re only back for three days.”

Ji Jixuan let him lie there for a while, then placed a hand on his shoulder. “First, get up.”

Xu Lin didn’t move. He tightened his arms around Ji Jixuan’s waist. “Let me hold you a little longer.”

“…” Ji Jixuan lay back down on the sofa.

The two of them curled up together like koalas, inseparable.

Xu Lin said, “Three months. My hair’s grown long.” He took Ji Jixuan’s hand and placed it on his head. “Feel it.”

Under Ji Jixuan’s palm was Xu Lin’s soft hair, no longer the prickly stubble it used to be. It had indeed grown a bit.

“I was thinking of asking the driver to bring an electric clipper next time. I need a trim.”

Xu Lin had always kept his hair buzzed short since childhood. He felt uncomfortable when it grew even a little.

Ji Jixuan’s fingers moved through his hair at the roots, rubbing absently. Xu Lin felt ticklish all over from the touch. Then Ji Jixuan said, “Keep it.”

Xu Lin was quiet for a moment. “Why? Don’t you want me to cut it?”

Ji Jixuan didn’t answer directly, simply repeating, “Keep it.”

Xu Lin smiled. “Alright. I’ll keep it.”

He reached up, took Ji Jixuan’s hand from his head, and held it. He rubbed his fingers—they were stiff as a mannequin’s.

“Why are your fingers so stiff? Are you cold?”

Ji Jixuan didn’t answer.

Xu Lin fell silent too.

Ji Jixuan noticed Xu Lin staring at his bare ring finger. The smile at the corner of his mouth slowly faded.

The next moment, Xu Lin asked, “Why aren’t you wearing your ring?”

Before Ji Jixuan could answer, Xu Lin added, “Didn’t you see it?”

He pulled Ji Jixuan up and led him to the entrance. On a cabinet facing the door sat an open red velvet ring box. Inside was Ji Jixuan’s ring.

“I put it here on purpose so you’d see it every time you came home.”

“Don’t forget next time.”

He took out the ring, took Ji Jixuan’s hand, and slipped it onto his finger. “It’s fine if you can’t wear it outside, but don’t forget to wear it at home.”

Xu Lin raised his hand to show him his own ring. “See? I wear mine every day.”

He leaned into Ji Jixuan, hugging him so their chests touched, and looked up. “Got it?”

Ji Jixuan’s lips moved. After a moment, he said, “Okay.”

---

Ji Jixuan would stay for three days. Time was short, and Xu Lin cherished every second with him.

Xu Lin was clingier than ever, following Ji Jixuan everywhere.

He had so much pent-up talk that it poured out like a faucet. Although Ji Jixuan was quiet, he was a good listener and never interrupted. Only when his lips were dry did Xu Lin realize how long he’d been rambling. He opened the fridge and gulped down half a bottle of water to quench his thirst.

Checking the time, he asked Ji Jixuan, “Have you eaten?”

Ji Jixuan said, “I have.”

“Then eat a little more with me.”

“…”

Xu Lin skillfully heated the pan, and half an hour later, two dishes and a soup were on the table.

Homestyle dishes: braised eggplant, shrimp with tofu, and a bowl of meatball soup. They sat across from each other. Xu Lin had been wandering the mountains all day and was starving. He ate with gusto, head down. By the time he’d finished his bowl of rice, Ji Jixuan had barely touched his.

Now Xu Lin was truly confused. “Don’t you like these?”

Ji Jixuan said, “Just not very hungry.”

Xu Lin was about to say something else when Ji Jixuan abruptly changed the subject. “What did you do today? Your shoes are covered in mud.”

Ji Jixuan had seen the dirty shoes Xu Lin had kicked off at the entrance.

Xu Lin sipped his soup and smiled. “I went exploring in the mountains.”

Just as he was about to share the fun things he’d seen, Ji Jixuan said, “Don’t wander around in there. It’s all mud. Dirty.”

Xu Lin’s soup-drinking stopped. He set the bowl down, the bottom tapping against the table with a soft clink.

Just one sentence from Ji Jixuan, and his mood seemed to plummet.

Xu Lin leaned back in his chair, eyes downcast, staring at his slippers. He said quietly, “But I’m bored.”

“If I don’t go into the mountains, I have nothing to do.”

“Today, because you came back, I was happy and didn’t clean up. Before, I’d always scrub my shoes clean before coming in.”

“…” Xu Lin suddenly stood up, abandoning his meal.

Ji Jixuan asked, “Where are you going?”

“To clean up.”

Ji Jixuan fell silent. After a long moment, he stood up and caught Xu Lin by the arm as he headed for the entrance. “That’s not what I meant.”

Xu Lin kept his head down, sounding hurt. “Then hold me.”

Ji Jixuan stood there for a long while before finally reaching out and pulling Xu Lin into his arms.

His embrace was stiff, as if he wasn’t used to doing this.

Xu Lin found a comfortable position in his arms.

“Without you, it’s just me here. No one to talk to.”

He couldn’t hold it in anymore. “Maybe I could go out and find a job. Then I’d have something to do, and when you’re not here I could—”

“No.” Ji Jixuan cut him off. “You can’t go out.”

“…”

Realizing his tone had been too harsh, Ji Jixuan softened his voice. “I’ll come back more often.”

The topic was dropped.

---

After dinner, Xu Lin went to shower first.

When Ji Jixuan entered the master bedroom, the first thing he saw was their wedding photo hanging above the bed. He stopped in his tracks.

Below the photo was a spacious double bed.

Freshly washed sheets and covers, two soft, fluffy pillows, and a pair of slippers by the bed.

All for the two people in the photo.

Ji Jixuan’s fingers curled slightly.

When Xu Lin came out of the shower, the bed was empty. He turned and saw Ji Jixuan standing on the balcony, his back to him, smoking.

Xu Lin slid open the door. The night wind carried the scent of burning tobacco into his nose.

“I’m done,” Xu Lin said.

Ji Jixuan turned.

Xu Lin was in his bathrobe, still damp. Ji Jixuan’s gaze settled on his face and stayed there.

The burn scars had faded slightly. With time, the redness would probably fade further. As for the remaining scars, Qin Yu could figure something out.

It was only a matter of time.

His face would heal.

“Xuan-ge?”

Seeing Ji Jixuan staring blankly at his face, lost in thought, Xu Lin called out. At the sound, Ji Jixuan blinked and came back to himself.

He stubbed out his cigarette, hummed in acknowledgment, and went into the bathroom.

Xu Lin climbed into bed. On the pillow next to him was Ji Jixuan’s phone, which buzzed occasionally with work messages.

Xu Lin thought for a moment and sent Ji Jixuan the photos he’d taken of a squirrel’s nest in the mountains. How could the mountains be dirty when there were so many cute little things?

He sent the photos, but didn’t hear Ji Jixuan’s phone ring.

Had it not gone through? He sent it again. Still nothing. No notification.

Xu Lin’s heart tightened.

He glanced at the bathroom. The water was still running. On an impulse, he picked up Ji Jixuan’s phone and unlocked the screen.

No passcode.

He opened Ji Jixuan’s contact list. Because he’d just sent a message, his own avatar appeared at the very top.

But the avatar had a red badge with 99+ notifications. Ji Jixuan hadn’t opened them in a long time.

His gaze shifted right. He saw a mute icon.

Among a long list of contacts, Ji Jixuan had set only him to “Do Not Disturb.”