Chapter 93: Loving you always

The next morning, Xu Lin stood at the foot of the mountain.

He’d lain awake all night, wondering why Zong Xi had said what he did. He’d hesitated all morning, gotten into a cab, and told himself he was going to the hospital. But when he looked up, he was already at the foot of the mountain.

The black iron gate stood alone, towering and silent. A keypad lock hung beside it.

He didn’t know the code. He tried the code for the mini-fridge under Ji Jinxuan’s desk. Wrong. He tried Ji Jinxuan’s birthday. Wrong.

“It can’t be…” He had a guess, but he didn’t want to believe it. Still, he entered his own birthday.

Click.

The lock opened.

Xu Lin froze. He pressed his palm to the gate and pushed. It swung open easily. No alarms, no one to stop him.

He looked up. The cameras were still there, but the red lights weren’t on. They were off.

He hesitated for a long time at the gate, then steeled himself. Since he was here, he might as well see what Zong Xi was hiding. Ji Jinxuan was in the hospital. It wasn’t like anyone could lock him up again.

He knew this path too well. Nothing had changed in three years. He walked quickly and soon stood before the villa.

Staring at the dark front door, he felt a chill even in the sunlight. He took a deep breath and pushed it open.

Inside, it was quiet. Empty.

He leaned in, sniffing the air. There was no dust or musty smell, just a clean, fresh scent. Someone had been airing it out regularly. But who would bother cleaning a house no one lived in?

He had assumed this villa would be abandoned after he left.

In the entryway shoe cabinet, his old shoes were still there, neatly arranged. There were also many new pairs—unworn, in his size, not Ji Jinxuan’s.

He looked at one closely. His size.

He put the shoe back. Then he noticed the red velvet ring box on the shelf. It was open, empty.

He looked away, took off his shoes, and walked inside in his socks.

The living room was spotless. Immaculate. There was nothing strange, nothing out of place. Everything was exactly as he had left it three years ago. Even the open magazine on the table.

He was baffled. Was this what Zong Xi wanted him to see? The employees hired to clean this place must be following strict orders not to touch anything. There was nothing remarkable about it.

Unless Ji Jinxuan had been cleaning it himself.

He went upstairs to the study. The bookshelves were filled not with books, but with paper dragonflies. Thousands of them, arranged behind glass. Different colors, some new, some old, some large, some small. Every single one made by Xu Lin.

He had folded them during his time here and tossed them into vases. He couldn’t even remember how many. Seeing them all laid out like this made his heart heavy.

He had thought no one would ever find them.

Had Ji Jinxuan discovered them? And instead of throwing them away, he’d had them preserved? They weren’t worth anything.

As he passed the shelves, he noticed the desk. Ji Jinxuan had sat here to work. It was neat, clean. But there was one thing that stood out.

He frowned and walked closer. A deep, sharp cut marred the surface of the desk, as if something had been repeatedly gouged into the wood.

He looked at the pen holder and saw a dagger inside. He pulled it out, compared the blade to the mark. A perfect match. It wasn’t a single strike. This had been done many times—dozens, hundreds, over and over, in the same place.

He leaned closer. The groove was stained deep red, not the natural color of the wood.

Paint? But as he leaned in, a faint, familiar scent reached his nose.

Blood.

He realized what it was. He stepped back, horrified by his own suspicion. He thought of the scar on Ji Jinxuan’s hand that had never healed. He thought of the shard of glass piercing his palm.

He could see it clearly: Ji Jinxuan sitting at this desk, his right hand flat on the wood, holding the dagger upside down. Stabbing down, the blade piercing his palm, the tip hitting the desk. Then again. And again. Mechanically, relentlessly. Blood splattering the desk, his clothes, his face.

He had done this to keep the scar from fading. To hold onto the mark Xu Lin had left him.

Xu Lin left the study and stood outside for a long time. The house was silent, but he could hear his own heart beating, quick and loud. His feet felt stuck to the floor. It took him a long time to move again.

He went to the walk-in closet. Another shock. Every drawer was filled with matching pairs of white suits—one large, one small. His size and Ji Jinxuan’s.

His mouth went dry.

What was all this? The wedding they’d had wasn’t even real. It was all a lie. What was the point of all these suits? And why buy so many, only to leave them here, gathering dust? It was ridiculous. Did Ji Jinxuan really think he would ever wear them again?

He opened a drawer at the bottom of one of the cabinets. His hand stopped. Inside were a dozen ring boxes, filled with brand new men’s wedding rings. He checked another drawer, and another. More suits, more rings.

He couldn’t stay. He left the closet and went to the master bedroom.

It was the same. The room was just as it had been. He saw the large frame on the headboard, empty. He had once hung their wedding photo there. In it, they stood in white suits, side by side, the “church” behind them. He had loved that photo—until he learned the truth. Then it became a mockery, a cruel reminder.

The bed was neatly made. Beside the pillow was a phone.

He picked it up. The screen lit up. No password. Ji Jinxuan’s phone. He opened the messaging app. At the very top was Xu Lin’s profile.

The screen filled with a flood of messages, each with a red exclamation mark. Messages Ji Jinxuan had sent, yet was never received.

When Xu Lin had first come to Danshi, Pu Sha had given him an old phone. He’d put it in his suitcase, but it had gone missing. Later, Ji Jinxuan had given him a phone, but he’d lost it when escaping the villa. Shuangshuang had given him one too, but Ji Jinxuan had crushed it. He’d had no phone. The number was long dead.

So he hadn’t received any of these messages.

The earliest was from three years ago. Around the time they had parted, when Xu Lin was in the military and Ji Jinxuan was searching for him in District Thirteen.

I took one of your old shirts.

Your room is clean. I saw your desk, your books, your bed. It feels like I’m with the younger you.

I didn’t mess up your things.

Your teacher and friends are good people. Just like you said.

You’re hiding from me.

I miss you.

When I was unconscious, you came to see me, didn’t you? They gave me your pheromones.

I know you helped me so I wouldn’t bother you anymore.

I know you hate me. You should.

New Year’s Eve. I’m alone in the villa. You’re not here.

Is this what it was like for you when I was gone?

So quiet.

When you sent me messages that I never answered, was it like this? I understand now. Xu Lin is such a good person to have put up with someone like me.

I’m sorry, Xu Lin. Please hate me more.

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I tried to set off those fireworks you bought. They were damp, so only one worked.

It was beautiful.

I wish you were here.

I made dumplings too. I can’t taste them, but I know they’re not as good as yours.

I wish I could taste yours again.

I miss you.

I dreamed of you again. You were angry and sad. If seeing me in your dreams hurts you, I’ll try not to dream of you. Please don’t be sad.

The pheromones you left me are almost gone. I can’t bear to use them. I only have a little left.

The scar on my hand is fading. I made it deeper again. Good. I held onto it.

I miss you so much.

I bought so many rings. I don’t know which style you’d like, so I bought them all.

I’ve been to so many places. Yesterday, I saw a church with a beautiful stained glass window. I thought of you. You would have loved it.

There was a wedding. So lively.

I wish you and I were the ones up there. But of course that’s impossible. You’ll never give me another chance.

I’m sorry I lied. I’m sorry I hurt you.

I’m sorry I only realized it so late. I was wrong from the very beginning.

Every time I tried to keep you, I only made things worse. If I hadn’t been so arrogant, if I had treated you with honesty from the start, maybe we wouldn’t be where we are now.

You’re right. Ji Jinxuan is a rotten person.

Before I crumble completely, I want to feel everything you felt. The pain, the fear. I want to spend the rest of my life praying for your happiness.

I know you don’t want this. I’m giving it freely. It has nothing to do with you. Don’t feel obligated.

I’m not lying anymore. I’m done lying.

I miss you, Xu Lin.

I love you, Xu Lin.

Xu Lin held the phone, scrolling through the messages. His head bowed, he read them from dawn until dusk.

He scrolled to the end. The last few were from two months ago, around the time Ji Jinxuan was preparing for the gland removal surgery.

I’m going to try something. The success rate is only half. If I fail, that’s fine. It’s still a fair trade.

I want to stay with you a little longer, even if you don’t see me. Don’t be annoyed with me, okay? I won’t be a bother for long.

If I live, I’ll keep loving you.

If I die, I’ll love you still.

Xu Lin didn’t move. The screen went dark on its own. Inside and outside, darkness consumed everything. Xu Lin was swallowed by the night.