Chapter 82: Follow your own heart

A woman who had been abused for years would have any money taken from her. Even if she managed to save some, it would not look this new.

Who had helped her? Someone generous, someone ruthless. Someone so brazen that no one in District Thirteen could touch him.

Xu Lin did not bother with the man lying on the floor inside. He followed the woman’s directions to find the person who had helped her. She limped along behind him.

From what she said, she had been beaten by her husband again when a stranger suddenly intervened. He not only taught her husband a lesson but also gave her money. Grateful, she had tried to follow him after he left, realizing belatedly that he did not seem well.

The snow, which had stopped, started falling again.

Xu Lin followed the fading footprints on the snow, winding through alleys until he reached a riverbank.

Under a stone bridge was a spot where residents gathered in summer. It was exposed to the wind, and in winter, no one came here.

But now, Xu Lin saw someone there.

A man crouched by the river, one hand dipped into the water, stirring it. He was washing blood from his hand. His head was down, unaware of Xu Lin’s approach.

Xu Lin stopped and ducked behind a wall. He peered out at Ji Jinxuan from a distance.

Ji Jinxuan wore a thin black coat, hardly enough to keep out the cold. His face was pale as the falling snow. His black hair swayed in the wind.

He coughed softly from time to time.

Had he caught a cold?

After washing his hands, he took a bottle of pills from his pocket, shook several into his palm without counting, and swallowed them dry.

Ji Jinxuan tilted his head back and closed his eyes, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed.

He had no visible injuries. Clearly, he had been the one to handle the man, and the man had not touched him. If he looked unwell, it was due to his pheromone condition.

The woman, limping, finally caught up. She looked past Xu Lin, still hidden, to Ji Jinxuan by the river.

Her eyes lit up when she saw him. She had found her savior.

She hurried over to him. Xu Lin stayed back, watching from the shadows.

Ji Jinxuan stood when he saw her approach. He was much taller than her. Xu Lin could not hear their words from this distance, but he could hear her sobs—she was thanking him, overwhelmed with gratitude. She was amazed that a stranger had done so much for her, and worried that he might get in trouble for beating her husband.

Xu Lin was surprised too. Surprised that Ji Jinxuan was here, surprised that he had meddled.

Though perhaps not entirely surprised. He had a feeling.

When he saw those ugly snowmen, he had guessed Ji Jinxuan might be here. He had come to District Thirteen and hidden where Xu Lin could not see him. Through the fence, they had celebrated the New Year with laughter and fireworks. Ji Jinxuan had crouched outside, listening to the joy, silently making snowmen.

Xu Lin had thought Ji Jinxuan would have left by morning.

But he was still here.

Ji Jinxuan said something to the woman. She hesitated. He handed her something. Her eyes red, she seemed to make a decision, straightened her disheveled hair, nodded solemnly at him, and ran off in another direction.

Her figure disappeared down the path. Ji Jinxuan stood by the river, coughed again, and stared at his hand for a long time.

Finally, he clenched his fist and put his hand in his pocket.

Xu Lin stepped back and left, taking another route.

He went to the pharmacy, bought the medicine, and came out with the bag. He circled back to the river. Ji Jinxuan was gone.

The river lapped against the stones on the shore.

Xu Lin picked up a pebble and threw it. It broke the surface with a dull thud.

He picked up another, weighed it in his palm, and instead of throwing it into the river, tossed it at a nearby wall. It bounced off and rolled to a stop.

“Come out,” Xu Lin said.

After a long moment, a pair of leather shoes stepped out from behind the wall.

Ji Jinxuan appeared before him.

They looked at each other. Ji Jinxuan slowly walked over and stopped in front of Xu Lin.

Xu Lin asked him, “When did you get here?”

He answered honestly. “Yesterday afternoon.”

“What were you doing last night?”

Ji Jinxuan was silent.

Xu Lin asked, “Were the snowmen fun?”

Snowflakes landed on Ji Jinxuan’s lashes. He blinked, and they melted into water. His lashes were wet.

Ji Jinxuan said, “The fireworks were beautiful. Your home was so lively. You were right,” he said, as if lost in memory. “New Year really is a happy time.”

He smiled at Xu Lin. “Happy New Year.”

Xu Lin felt a sudden surge of irritation.

He lit a cigarette and took two deep drags. “I thought you didn’t like holidays like this.” The sarcasm was not lost on Ji Jinxuan.

In the six years they had been together, they had spent New Year’s together only twice. Ji Jinxuan had promised under the fireworks that they would spend every year together, but in the end, Xu Lin had spent them alone in that cold, empty villa.

His promises never held.

The cold wind made Xu Lin’s nose and eyes sting. His voice was low. “Did I tell you not to come here again?”

Ji Jinxuan’s eyes went still. He murmured, “You did.”

“Then why are you here?” Xu Lin frowned. “Are you deliberately trying to make things hard for me?”

“No… I just wanted to watch from afar.” He just wanted to hide in a corner, not disturb anyone, not disrupt Xu Lin’s life. Just to see him.

“No!”

Xu Lin threw his half-smoked cigarette to the ground and stomped it out. “If you really wanted to stay hidden, you wouldn’t have made those snowmen. You wanted me to know you were here. You wanted to make me miserable! You always do this. You always do this!”

Xu Lin’s emotions, stretched thin, burst like an overinflated balloon. He wanted nothing more than to fight Ji Jinxuan, to hit him, if not for the fact that Ji Jinxuan looked unwell.

“Every time I think I can live a normal, peaceful life, you show up and mess everything up!”

Xu Lin kicked the stones, sending them flying at Ji Jinxuan, splattering mud on his pants.

“Before, and now! Do you ever think about me? When will you understand that doing things against someone’s will is just causing trouble? Let me go, Ji Jinxuan! Let me go! Do you need to turn my life upside down to be happy?”

His shouts echoed along the riverbank, sharper and colder than the winter wind, cutting Ji Jinxuan’s heart to shreds.

Ji Jinxuan did not speak. He stood there like a frozen statue for several minutes, head bowed, lost in thought.

When Xu Lin looked up again, Ji Jinxuan was gone.

Xu Lin shook his head roughly, crouched down, and grabbed the back of his neck. The suppressant patch was peeling at the corner. He tried to smooth it down, but it would not stay. He cursed, throwing the plastic bag to the ground. The medicine spilled out.

Inside were a hangover remedy and a box of cold medicine.

Xu Lin stomped on the cold medicine, crushing the box. Still not satisfied. He kept stomping until the pills were crushed and scattered.

His hands were clenched, his shoulders tense, his whole body trembling with anger.

He picked up the hangover remedy and left without looking back.

Back home, Xu Lin took a deep breath, poured a glass of water, and opened the medicine before going into Pu Sha’s room.

He fed Pu Sha the pills and turned to leave. But Pu Sha caught his hand.

“What’s wrong?” Pu Sha asked.

“Nothing,” Xu Lin said, his voice rough. “Nothing’s wrong.”

Pu Sha patted the bed, signaling him to sit. Xu Lin hesitated, then sat down.

Pu Sha said, “You’re angry.”

Xu Lin had not expected to be seen through. He had thought he was hiding it well.

“What happened?”

“Nothing,” Xu Lin said.

Pu Sha studied him. “Did you run into someone?”

Xu Lin was silent. Pu Sha knew he had guessed correctly. “He came to see you, didn’t he?”

Xu Lin stopped hiding it. “Yes.”

“He was here last night.” Xu Lin said. “We were in the yard. He was outside.”

Pu Sha asked, “All night?”

Xu Lin said, “All night.”

“I don’t understand him,” Xu Lin said, staring at his fingers.

He had thought Ji Jinxuan was arrogant and indifferent, seeing everyone else as worthless ants. But if he was really that bad, why would he help people he did not have to? Strangers, Omegas, the weak. Whether in the capital or District Thirteen.

If he had no feelings, why did he seem so tormented after they parted? Why crouch alone outside the yard, listening to the laughter inside, playing with the muddy snow? Why give the impression that without Xu Lin, he would die?

It was as if Ji Jinxuan really loved him, to the point that life had no meaning without him.

But he was not that kind of person. He could not be. He had treated Xu Lin so badly.

Ji Jinxuan was a terrible person.

But if he was so terrible, why was he not entirely terrible?

Xu Lin said, “I don’t even understand myself.”

If he hated Ji Jinxuan, why did his hatred not run deep enough?

Why was he so angry? Was it really just because Ji Jinxuan kept appearing?

Or was it because, despite thinking himself hard-hearted, he found his emotions no longer under his control, unconsciously being led by Ji Jinxuan?

“People are complicated,” Pu Sha said. “When you hate someone, you want to tear them apart. When you love someone, you want to give them everything, and even that’s not enough.”

“He keeps showing up, disrupting my life,” Xu Lin said, pressing his lips together. “I hate him.”

Pu Sha looked at him and reached out to ruffle his hair.

“It’s normal to hate him after what he did.”

What Ji Jinxuan was tasting now was only a fraction of what Xu Lin had tasted before.

“When someone desperately wants something, they often lose sight of the bigger picture. They’re so afraid of losing it that they use the wrong methods. By the time they realize it, it’s too late. They can only keep making mistakes. You have the right to hate him. You have the right not to forgive him. Whatever decision you make, it’s the right one for you. No one can tell you otherwise.”

Pu Sha gently tapped Xu Lin’s chest.

“If fate says you’re not meant to be together, one day you’ll stop crossing paths. Fate brings you together, and fate separates you. No one knows what comes next until the end.

“So,” Pu Sha said, “just follow your heart.”

After talking with Pu Sha, Xu Lin went out to the yard. He saw the two snowmen on the ground. They had frozen overnight, coated in a layer of ice. They were stuck together.

Xu Lin crouched down and picked them up. His palms were red from the cold.

Why had he been so angry? Why had he yelled at Ji Jinxuan by the river?

Was it because he realized that, like it or not, Ji Jinxuan would always occupy a space in his mind? Love or hate, Ji Jinxuan was a wound that would never fully heal.