Chapter 51: There is no possibility for us anymore

Xu Lin folded his paper dragonflies very well.

Back in school, by the riverbank, they had first spoken because a paper dragonfly carried by the wind had landed beside him.

After they were married, Ji Jinxuan had seen Xu Lin fold them occasionally. He had assumed Xu Lin simply enjoyed making these little trinkets and never asked further.

Xu Lin would always quietly clean up the dragonflies he folded. Ji Jinxuan had always thought he threw them away.

He had folded so many. They were clearly old and useless—why not throw them away? Why store them in a bottle that never saw the light of day?

Under what circumstances did Xu Lin fold these dragonflies?

Ah, yes.

Every time Ji Jinxuan saw him folding them, he seemed to be alone. And he looked… not quite happy.

Did he fold dragonflies when he was unhappy?

Then what did all these paper insects on the floor represent?

Ji Jinxuan stepped back. His gaze involuntarily drifted to the other antique vase in the corner of the study. It was identical to the one that had shattered.

He walked over. His fingers were trembling slightly. He pressed his palm against the cold porcelain and pushed hard. The vase toppled.

Crash.

Shards of porcelain burst outward, and countless paper dragonflies gushed out from within. The two mixed together—the porcelain fragments like knives slick with blood, slicing open the veins of the floor, and the swarming paper insects like wounds that would not stop bleeding.

Ji Jinxuan stood frozen, staring at the paper dragonflies covering the ground. It was as if invisible chains had bound his limbs, his blood frozen, unable to move.

In front of him, Xu Lin always wore a smile.

He never talked too much, never threw tantrums. When seeing Ji Jinxuan off, though reluctant, he would still smile and say goodbye. When Ji Jinxuan came home, Xu Lin would greet him with a beaming face.

When he was sad, he would tell Ji Jinxuan plainly and ask to be comforted. Xu Lin was easy to appease—a few words from Ji Jinxuan and he would cheer up. His anger never lasted long.

So Ji Jinxuan had always thought Xu Lin was good-natured and soft-tempered.

But he was not.

He was full of thorns and sharp teeth. He had simply chosen, willingly, to bare his soft underbelly to Ji Jinxuan.

Ji Jinxuan crouched down and touched one of the paper dragonflies on the floor with his fingertip.

The moment he made contact, he pulled his hand back as if he was stung.

All those times before, he had thought he had been the one to soothe Xu Lin. In truth, Xu Lin had soothed himself.

The countless paper insects before his eyes had each borne witness to Xu Lin’s pain and sorrow.

And Ji Jinxuan had not once noticed.

In his memory, there was only Xu Lin’s face, always full of joy when looking at him.

For six years, when Xu Lin was home alone, had he been enduring all of this? Feeling sad over and over, disappointed in him again and again, yet constantly digesting his own feelings and compromising time after time.

If Xu Lin did not ask, he would not tell.

Only when the vessel containing his emotions could no longer bear the weight and shattered did his sorrow finally come to light.

And by the time Ji Jinxuan felt sorry for him, Xu Lin’s wounds had already scabbed over. They no longer hurt.

He had come too late.

[He forgave you because he loved you.]

What did Xu Lin love about him?

Ji Jinxuan had never known why Xu Lin liked him. In the beginning, he had only wanted to keep Xu Lin in Danshi. Since Xu Lin said he liked him, Ji Jinxuan had taken that opening, found a reason that mattered to Xu Lin, and kept him by his side. Because he did not care, he had not minded whether Xu Lin’s feelings were genuine or not.

Later, when he was inevitably unable to resist the unreserved warmth of Xu Lin’s love, he had fallen for him too. But even then, he had never thought to ask why Xu Lin loved him. That reason was not important to him. All he wanted was for Xu Lin’s love to stay with him for a long, long time.

What Xu Lin had just told him, Ji Jinxuan was hearing for the first time. He did not remember any of it.

He was not as good as Xu Lin had described. He was not the person Xu Lin had liked.

Talking to the student from District Thirteen—he had thought Xu Lin was approaching him with ulterior motives. Eating with him—he had only been passing time, and in the end, he had thrown away the food Xu Lin had given him.

He had been arrogant. He had been condescending.

Xu Lin would never love someone like that.

So now that his true nature was revealed, Xu Lin was leaving.

[When someone loves you, you are their everything. But when they don’t love you anymore, what are you?]

Xu Lin was never easy to appease.

His love was straightforward. His hatred was equally straightforward.

Once you were no longer in his heart, you would never get back in.

Ji Jinxuan crouched on the ground, his spine, which had always been straight, now curved.

His tall frame curled in on itself. Surrounded by the paper insects on the floor, he too seemed to have become one of them—a giant, clumsy insect with torn wings. No wings, no wind to carry him.

He could not fly. He could barely go on living.

Xu Lin refused to drink the medicine. Qin Yu’s medication stopped for two days. Xu Lin thought stopping the medicine would be enough, but his health still did not improve. His body was heavy. He could not pinpoint exactly where the fatigue was. His head was foggy, and he would grow weak and short of breath after walking for a while. Sleeping became his only way to regain energy and strength.

One night, he woke in the middle of sleep, feeling something strange in his mouth. His eyes flew open. In front of him was Ji Jinxuan’s enlarged face, and a steady stream of bitter medicinal liquid was being slowly fed into his mouth.

Xu Lin jerked his head away. The brown liquid dripped down his pale jaw and soaked into the collar of his pajamas.

Caught off guard, some of the liquid went down the wrong way. Xu Lin coughed violently, and Ji Jinxuan gently patted his back.

After Xu Lin finally caught his breath, he angrily pushed Ji Jinxuan’s hand away. “What are you doing!”

Ji Jinxuan said matter-of-factly, “Qin Yu said you refused to take your medicine.”

Xu Lin spat out the bitter taste still in his mouth and snapped, “If you told me this was poison that would kill me instantly, I’d drink it.”

Ji Jinxuan did not move. He only said calmly, “You can’t stop.”

“What?”

Ji Jinxuan said in a low voice, “You can’t stop this medicine right now.”

“…Nonsense.” Xu Lin grabbed a pillow and threw it in his face. “You’re the one who’s sick! You should be the one taking medicine!”

Taking advantage of Xu Lin being asleep, Ji Jinxuan had fed him half a bowl this way. With today’s dosage barely met, he did not force Xu Lin to drink more.

He suddenly reached out to touch the back of Xu Lin’s neck. The moment he made contact, Xu Lin flinched violently, as if licked by a barbed tongue.

“Don’t touch me!”

He had been feeling unwell lately, especially in that area. For some reason, his neck had become abnormally sensitive. Even the wind brushing against it felt like it carried thorns, scraping painfully. Let alone Ji Jinxuan touching it—Xu Lin rarely even touched it himself.

Ji Jinxuan showed no reaction to having his hand slapped away. He bent down and suddenly lifted Xu Lin from the bed, holding him with one arm under his knees. Xu Lin’s feet dangled in the air, and he kicked restlessly. “What are you doing?”

Ji Jinxuan held him securely and carried him downstairs.

“Put me down! Do you hear me, Ji Jinx—”

Xu Lin was still shouting, but his words stopped short when he saw something new on the sofa.

Two white suits were draped over the back of the sofa.

On the coffee table were over a dozen ring boxes in various styles.

Same place as before. But now only the two of them were present.

He set Xu Lin down on the sofa, crouched in front of him, and picked up one of the ring boxes from the table. He opened it. Inside were two men’s matching rings that looked expensive.

Ji Jinxuan carefully observed Xu Lin’s expression and asked softly, “Do you like these?”

“…” Xu Lin said nothing.

Seeing this, Ji Jinxuan closed the box and picked up another, opening it. “What about these?”

He showed them one by one. Xu Lin did not respond to any of them. Ji Jinxuan was very patient, as if he had become a jewelry store employee determined to serve his only customer.

Playing his one-man show, Ji Jinxuan did not seem to mind. With his eyelashes lowered, he talked to himself, “The venue is already arranged. The suits were custom-made. I just got them today—do you want to try them on later? If there’s anything you don’t like, I’ll have them alter it.”

He took Xu Lin’s hand, selected one of the rings, and started to slide it onto his ring finger. “Try these on. They’re all your size. I picked out some styles on my own. See if any of them appeal to you. If not, we can exchange them.”

The ring reached the second knuckle of Xu Lin’s ring finger. Suddenly, Xu Lin curled his fingers shut. The ring stopped halfway, not sliding on fully.

Ji Jinxuan looked up and met Xu Lin’s icy stare.

He froze.

Xu Lin took off the new ring without even glancing at it, flung it aside. It rolled and rolled until it disappeared somewhere unseen.

“What are you doing?” Xu Lin asked coldly.

Ji Jinxuan crouched there, looking up at him. He said, “We said we’d have a wedding, didn’t we?”

Xu Lin let out a cold laugh, finding it absurd. “Now? In this situation? You want to have a wedding with me? Said we would? Who did you say it with? Yourself?” He glanced at the suits on the sofa and mocked: “How long are you going to keep tormenting me with this self-righteous, headstrong way of yours?”

“No.” Ji Jinxuan said blankly. “I just wanted to make it up to you…”

“I don’t need it. I don’t need any of it.”

Xu Lin said, “When there’s still room for redemption, it’s called making amends. Otherwise, it’s just a nuisance.”

Ji Jinxuan’s lips moved, as if he was still struggling to say something.

Xu Lin looked into his eyes and said flatly:,”Ji Jinxuan, face reality. What’s the point of all this now? I don’t need any of it.”

“How can it be useless?” Ji Jinxuan asked in return.

He knew he had hurt Xu Lin. Xu Lin had been sad about many things before—so wasn’t it only right that he tried to cheer him up with the same things that had once brought him joy?

“I want to make you happy,” Ji Jinxuan said.

“If you let me go, I’ll be happy.”

“…” Ji Jinxuan fell silent. Clearly, he did not agree with that proposal.

Xu Lin rose from the sofa. Ji Jinxuan panicked and grabbed his hand.

“Wait.”

Xu Lin shook him off, pushed to his limit. “Can’t you just let me go?”

Ji Jinxuan froze.

“Don’t you understand yet?” Xu Lin said coldly. “There’s no possibility for us anymore.”

He turned and walked away. Suddenly, he heard Ji Jinxuan say something softly behind him.

He did not catch it. He looked back.

Ji Jinxuan’s head was lowered, his bangs covering his eyes. His hands hung at his sides, clenched into fists. The muscles in his jaw were visible as he gritted his teeth.

Xu Lin listened closely and finally heard the three words Ji Jinxuan was murmuring, “No possibility?”

He lifted his head, eyes bloodshot.

“How can there be no possibility?”

He strode to Xu Lin, grabbed his wrist, and yanked hard. Xu Lin stumbled and nearly fell into his arms, steadying himself only by bracing against Ji Jinxuan’s chest.

If Ji Jinxuan had been struggling to maintain his composure just moments ago, now he seemed as if Xu Lin’s words had pierced straight through him. His fangs had torn through his fraying nerves.

Xu Lin’s wrist was trapped in Ji Jinxuan’s grip, his bones feeling like they were about to be crushed. He saw Ji Jinxuan’s expression, on the verge of collapse, right in front of him. “Who gave you permission to say that to me! Who said you could leave me!”

Don’t ignore me with that indifferent expression. Don’t cruelly draw a line between us. Don’t act like I’m no longer important to you.

Don’t… don’t leave me alone.

Ji Jinxuan had seen what Xu Lin looked like when he loved someone. He had experienced it, enjoyed it. He had made mistakes, so Xu Lin had withdrawn all his love. Fine. That was fine. Consider it punishment from heaven. He could make it up to him. He could do anything for Xu Lin. Even if Xu Lin never forgave him, it would be okay as long as he was allowed to stay by his side. For that, he would sacrifice anything, care about losing anything. But there was one thing he could not—Heaven could not do…. and that is take Xu Lin away from him.

No one had the right to do that.

Ji Jinxuan’s gaze suddenly turned fierce.

“If you don’t love me anymore, then hate me instead!”

Xu Lin was stunned. The next second, Ji Jinxuan grabbed his shoulders, pressed him onto the sofa, held the back of his head, and bit down hard on his neck. Xu Lin’s vision went black and he cried out in pain.

He could no longer endure being bitten so deeply and forcefully by Ji Jinxuan.

It was like a knife lodged in his neck. Xu Lin instantly lost all strength. Spots of static flickered before his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak, but all that came out were fragments of breath.

Ji Jinxuan, as if possessed, bit him viciously while covering his mouth with his hand.

Xu Lin’s vision blurred. Before he lost consciousness, he bit his own tongue. The taste of blood in his mouth mixed with the lingering bitter medicine, forming a strange, thick flavor.

In a daze, he seemed to hear a soft, tearing sound.

As if something invisible inside his neck had been bitten through and shattered.