Chapter 11: If the happiness doesn’t sour

Sometimes, when you stand against the wind and waves for a controversial cause, the ones who stand by your side might be few and far between. And among those few, you might not find a single person who truly understands you, agrees with you, and resonates with you in perfect harmony.

Such people are rare. They are treasures beyond compare.

But Xu Lin thought he might have found one.

Two puzzle pieces of different shapes, yet they fit together strangely and perfectly.

A week after discovering that Ji Jixuan’s thoughts had coincidentally aligned with his own, Xu Lin dreamed of him for the first time.

When he woke from the dream, Xu Lin sat up in bed with dark circles under his eyes, his expression one of utter shock, as if the sky had fallen. Dreaming of someone of the same sex hit him harder than he’d expected.

He had never even dreamed of Pu Sha.

When Ji Jixuan vanished from his dreams, he would appear in reality.

Xu Lin felt that his relationship with Ji Jixuan had improved a little—just a little.

An unspoken rule had formed between them, as if that river embankment outside the school had become a place known only to the two of them.

Xu Lin didn’t know why Ji Jixuan occasionally came to this inconspicuous embankment. He didn’t ask, and given their current relationship, it wasn’t really his place to ask.

Ji Jixuan’s visits had no set schedule, and neither did his departures. Sometimes early, sometimes late, with no discernible pattern. Unsurprisingly, every time he came, he found Xu Lin there.

They weren’t overly familiar with each other, nor did they have endless topics to discuss. Most of the time, they were simply quiet, each sitting in their own spot, doing their own thing.

They sat far apart.

One on the embankment, one at the bottom of the slope. Sharing this undisturbed territory in silent agreement.

Xu Lin would either sit smoking, lost in thought, or eat his meal. Ji Jixuan would sit quietly on the slope, occasionally glancing down at his phone, tapping away as if messaging someone.

But maybe it was Xu Lin’s imagination but every time he ate, even without looking up, he could feel Ji Jixuan’s gaze on him.

It seemed Ji Jixuan really liked watching him eat.

After some thought, Xu Lin concluded that Ji Jixuan was probably craving his food but was too thin-skinned to say so.

Xu Lin knew his cooking was pretty good. After Pu Sha took him in, he had taken over the cooking at home. Pu Sha, Little Fatty, and the others all loved his food. He was confident in his skills.

So one time, he proactively offered his untouched lunchbox to Ji Jixuan and asked in a low voice, “Want to try some?”

How to put it. After he asked, he saw an even stranger, almost inexplicable look in Ji Jixuan’s eyes.

“No.” Came the expected refusal.

That made sense. Ji Jixuan had access to all the finest foods so it was only natural that he’d look down on this.

Xu Lin pouted, withdrew his hand, and ate it himself. That day, he had braised pork hock—a hearty, nourishing dish to replenish his exhausted body. The skin was tender, the meat fragrant, falling off the bone at the slightest touch.

Xu Lin put on disposable gloves and dug in. Halfway through, he looked up and caught Ji Jixuan’s eyes again.

Xu Lin startled. Seeing that he’d been spotted, Ji Jixuan silently turned away, showing no embarrassment at being caught staring.

“Why are you watching me?” Xu Lin licked his lips and asked.

“…”

Xu Lin seemed to have an epiphany and said understandingly, “If you want to eat, don’t be shy about it. There’s no shame in eating.”

“…”

Ji Jixuan didn’t respond and moved back to his usual spot.

After finishing his meal, Xu Lin took out his trusty wet wipes, wiped his mouth and hands, lay back on the grass, and closed his eyes, letting the night breeze wash over him.

This was the height of summer, the hottest days of the year. The river was filled with the rich fragrance of lotus flowers.

He suddenly remembered those people who had been following Ji Jixuan last time. “By the way, did you find those people from before? Did you catch them?”

Ji Jixuan was infuriatingly taciturn. He didn’t even bother answering Xu Lin’s questions.

Xu Lin changed tack. “You don’t like pork hock? What do you like to eat? Are you more of a vegetarian or a meat-eater?”

Ji Jixuan looked down at his phone, scrolling. Seeing that he wouldn’t respond no matter what, Xu Lin fell silent.

He quietly stared at Ji Jixuan’s back. As he watched, the corners of his mouth crept upward, hidden by the night.

He took out a sheet of colored paper, folded a paper dragonfly, and threw it deliberately at Ji Jixuan. The trembling dragonfly bounced off Ji Jixuan’s shoulder. As it fell, Ji Jixuan’s reflexes kicked in, and he caught it out of instinct.

The dragonfly landed in his palm.

He’d caught it.

Of course. Only Ji Jixuan would catch it.

Ji Jixuan turned his head and was met with Xu Lin’s smile, even brighter now.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to,” Xu Lin said, waving an apology, his voice laced with laughter.

It was entirely on purpose.

This little gesture seemed to be just a way to get Ji Jixuan’s attention.

Ji Jixuan toyed with the paper dragonfly in his hands, saying nothing.

He stood up and left. Xu Lin’s persistent voice came from behind him, “When will you come next time?”

By the time he turned the corner, Xu Lin was out of sight.

The driver waiting by the roadside saw Ji Jixuan approaching and immediately opened the car door for him.

Ji Jixuan got into the car. The window rolled down, and the night breeze rushed in.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

Xu Lin ate quietly, with good table manners. But after every bite, he would habitually lick his lips or the corner of his mouth with his tongue—the silver piercing impossible to ignore.

Crude tactics.

Ji Jixuan opened the car’s refrigerator, took out a tube of white liquid, and downed it in one go.

His hand dropped, the empty tube falling to the floor. He reached his hand out the window, fingers spread. The paper dragonfly he had been clutching in his palm was caught by the wind and fell into the river.

At first, it floated on the surface. But soon, the dark river water soaked its wings and body, slowly eating away at its life like acid, until it was dragged into the bottomless depths.

After that, Xu Lin started carrying two lunchboxes. He remembered Ji Jixuan’s fastidiousness and bought new lunchboxes and new utensils specifically for him.

He was sure Ji Jixuan was the type who said one thing but meant another, secretly craving the food but too embarrassed to admit it. Why else would he stare every time Xu Lin ate?

Since Ji Jixuan wanted to eat, Xu Lin didn’t mind making a portion for him.

So he started making double portions of the same meal every day. If he didn’t run into Ji Jixuan, he’d eat both himself. If he did…

“Over here!”

A few days later, when he spotted Ji Jixuan at the embankment again, Xu Lin waved him over excitedly.

Like offering a treasure, he presented the new lunchbox, filled with tender, braised carrot and beef brisket.

“Look, do you like this?” Xu Lin picked up a small piece with his chopsticks, placed it on the lid of the lunchbox, and handed it to him. “Try it?” To entice him, he even shamelessly boasted, “I made it myself. It’s really good.”

But Ji Jixuan just glanced at the lunchbox and didn’t take it.

Xu Lin paused and quietly withdrew his hand.

Had he been wrong?

Did he not like this either? Was it the carrots? How could someone be so picky?

“You don’t like carrots?” Xu Lin was still curious. “Then what do you like to eat?”

He waited a long time, thinking Ji Jixuan wouldn’t answer. But then, without warning, Ji Jixuan spoke, “Nothing.”

“What?”

Ji Jixuan said, “I don’t like anything.”

“…How can anyone not have something they like to eat?” Back home, Xu Lin and his friends used to gather around a table for barbecue. Good food was scarce in District Thirteen, so barbecue became their soul food. They’d always find an excuse to have some. It was their happiest time—teacher, friends, home, food and drink. Simple. Joyful. He wondered if Ji Jixuan liked barbecue… probably not. He couldn’t picture him eating skewers at all.

Not liking this, not liking that, how could that be? Xu Lin thought for a moment, then pushed the lunchbox forward again. “Why not give it a try? Maybe it’ll suit your taste.”

He was this persistent about getting someone to eat his cooking only with Pu Sha.

“…” Ji Jixuan was silent for a long time, as if engaged in an internal battle. Xu Lin hadn’t held out much hope, but to his surprise, Ji Jixuan reached out and took the chopsticks.

He took a bite.

Xu Lin’s heart felt like it was inside his mouth, being chewed along with the beef, almost ground to pieces.

He asked softly, “How is it?”

Ji Jixuan said nothing. Xu Lin’s heart kept swaying, never quite settling.

“Mhm.” After a long while, he let out a single, low sound.

What did “mhm” mean? It probably didn’t mean it was bad. So it was acceptable? Did it suit his taste?

It was probably a favorable review.

Xu Lin hugged his knees, his feet gently swinging, like a schoolboy praised for a good grade, whispering to himself with quiet delight, “That’s good.”

“I told you. If you like it, I’ll make it for you again next time.” Realizing what he’d just said, he added, as if protesting too much, “I’m bringing food anyway. Making two portions isn’t a big deal.”

Ji Jixuan put down the chopsticks after just one bite. He probably wasn’t used to eating outdoors. A drop of oil from the edge of the lunchbox got on his finger, and the familiar, slightly disgusted expression appeared on his face. Xu Lin, anticipating this, pulled a packet of wet wipes from his pocket and handed one to him.

As Ji Jixuan wiped his hands, Xu Lin realized, belatedly, that they were now sitting side by side, with only a meter of distance between them.

His left hand and Ji Jixuan’s right hand—if he reached out, he could touch them.

Their distance was getting smaller.

Xu Lin blinked, pulled his hand back onto his knee, and nervously rubbed his fingertips. His palms were sweaty.

“Take it home to eat,” he said. “Eat it while it’s hot. It won’t taste as good once it’s cold.” He closed the lunchbox lid for him, glanced at the time, and said, “I need to get back to school.”

After saying goodbye, Xu Lin jogged off.

After he left, Ji Jixuan went through an entire packet of wet wipes just to clean the single drop of oil off his finger.

He brought his fingertip to his nose—there was still a faint, lingering greasy smell.

This was probably the cheapest thing he’d ever tasted.

With Xu Lin gone, Ji Jixuan soon got up and left as well.

The lunchbox was tossed casually into a trash can by the roadside.

After that, making two identical meals and carrying two lunchboxes became a habit for Xu Lin.

One for himself, one for Ji Jixuan.

But Ji Jixuan only ever took one bite each time, just enough to taste, before stopping. Xu Lin figured it was probably a matter of pride, that he felt awkward eating outside. He didn’t press him, instead letting him take the lunchbox home each time.

Ji Jixuan had one very bad habit, though.

He never returned the lunchboxes. Xu Lin had to buy new ones every time. He’d thought about using disposable containers, but worried Ji Jixuan might find them cheap, so he abandoned the idea.

For those two months of high summer, Xu Lin returned to his dorm late every night. Yi Wei noticed him smiling goofily all the time and asked if something good had happened.

Xu Lin laughed it off.

His friendship with Ji Jixuan was a secret. Known only to the two of them.

Simply put, he didn’t want a third person to take away even a fraction of the happiness he got from this secret.

If the happiness didn’t sour, then this was just a simple joy.

But then Ji Jixuan appeared in his dreams again and again, more and more frequently. Each time Xu Lin woke, sitting dazed in his bed, his emotions shifted from initial shock to familiarity, to a hollow loss, as if a lifetime had passed.

He realized that something terrible was happening.