Chapter 46 – Wanting you to see

Translator: Abo Dammen

The moment Fu Nan’an spoke, Mike lost, and he lost completely.

He had wanted to provoke Fu Nan’an’s insecurities, he had wanted to make Fu Nan’an doubt himself. He had indeed struck a sore spot for Fu Nan’an. That feeling of being doubted was deeply damaging to one’s self-esteem. It wasn’t just this one time. Because of his eyes, Fu Nan’an constantly had to endure suspicion from the outside world. These were objective facts, yet they had not produced any thought of retreat in him.

“So at that moment, I decided to give up,” Mike said to Chi Zhao. “This doesn’t mean I no longer like you, but I have to admit, I can’t love you the way he does.”

Mike’s tone was very calm. Praising a love rival is never a pleasant thing, but when the opponent is someone like Fu Nan’an, he truly stood no chance.

What love fears is never external obstacles, but whether both parties have the courage to continue accompanying each other. Difficulties will always exist, it’s only a matter of degree. However difficult the days are, two people joining hands can always get through them together. But if one person hesitates, wavers, starts to see the relationship as a burden, then once a fissure appears, it will only grow larger, until even the most stable stone turns into a pile of scattered sand, leaving no trace behind.

And Fu Nan’an’s feelings for Chi Zhao were absolutely steadfast. Mature, gentle, neither obsessively possessive nor easily retreating. When a child likes something, they always want to clutch it tightly in their hand, afraid of losing it, unwilling to let go even if it breaks. But Fu Nan’an held Chi Zhao with both hands and let him soar upwards. He wasn’t afraid that Chi Zhao would fly far away or leave; he only hoped that he could be happy.

This kind of affection cannot be shaken or worn away. Any doubt appears minuscule and laughable in its face. Thus, Mike could only say to Chi Zhao, rather sheepishly, “I am sorry for my previous clownish behavior.

“I sincerely wish you both the best,” he said. “I hope you can stay together always.”

What Mike said or thought, Chi Zhao didn’t care. He was just an irrelevant outsider, and Chi Zhao didn’t need his blessings. But the words Fu Nan’an had spoken were like fine, dense silver needles piercing into the very tip of Chi Zhao’s heart, making his heart feel swollen and full, astringent and sour.

Back when they decided to be together, Chi Zhao truly hadn’t imagined that Fu Nan’an would have considered so much. Professor Fu wasn’t someone who hung the word ‘love’ on his lips. After they got together, he mostly just quietly acted. Chi Zhao had even been unhappy before because Fu Nan’an was so accepting of him going abroad to study, feeling that Fu Nan’an didn’t care enough about him. It was only now that Chi Zhao realized Fu Nan’an’s love for him was in no way shallower than his own.

No love is more moving than when two people are running towards each other.

Chi Zhao originally really hadn’t planned to return to China for the New Year. The project was too busy, the timing was too tight, and he had already discussed it with Fu Nan’an. There were too many objective reasons not to go back. But when he heard what Mike said, only one thought remained in Chi Zhao’s mind—he wanted to see him.

He wanted to see him, to tell him that he wouldn’t leave him, to proclaim his love for him over and over. Actually, Chi Zhao was never stingy with saying “I love you” even in ordinary times, but right now he wanted so badly to hold his Professor Fu, to hug him and then kiss him, to tell him that he is the best, to tell him that he had never once thought about separating from him.

The flight took over ten hours. Chi Zhao didn’t even have time to send Fu Nan’an a message. It wasn’t until his feet were standing on familiar soil, until he was holding his familiar lover in his arms, until their bodies were pressed tightly together with zero distance between them, that Chi Zhao finally felt a long-missed sense of peace.

“It’s my fault for coming back without telling you first. I was in too much of a hurry to see you.” On the morning of the first day of the New Year, nestled in Fu Nan’an’s embrace, the light outside the window was gentle, but Chi Zhao’s heart was still sore. “Hearing what you said to Mike broke my heart. I really didn’t know you had thought about those things before. Professor, you are the best. To me, you will always be the best.”

Thinking again of what Fu Nan’an had said to Mike, Chi Zhao still felt heartache. In his eyes, Professor Fu was always the best. He shouldn’t have to endure that doubt and criticism.

Chi Zhao tightly clutched Fu Nan’an’s clothes, showering his eyes with frantic kisses. Fu Nan’an’s expression remained gentle. He patted Chi Zhao’s back softly and told him, “It’s okay. What’s said is in the past. I don’t mind those things.”

Fu Nan’an didn’t mind, but Chi Zhao did. Chi Zhao kissed Fu Nan’an’s cheeks and assured him earnestly, “Professor, don’t worry. Nothing Mike said will come true. We will definitely be together forever. I am only happy when I’m with you. You are my best.”

Fu Nan’an replied compliantly, “Okay.”

Chi Zhao paused, then added, “We’ll never be apart.”

Fu Nan’an said with a smile, “Okay.”

They spent the whole morning being clingy like this before Chi Zhao’s pent-up emotions were finally vented. He told Fu Nan’an “I like you” countless times. He clung to Fu Nan’an, kissing him messily. They had exhausted themselves the previous night, so they didn’t do anything more that morning, but this kind of intimate confession was equally intoxicating. They lazed around until almost noon before getting up.

“What do you want to eat?” Fu Nan’an asked Chi Zhao after they got up. “Cook at home or order takeout?”

The professor of the past was always self-disciplined and strict, never lazing in bed and rarely eating out. After being with Chi Zhao, he had gradually developed a more human touch. Chi Zhao loved this change in him. Squinting his eyes, he said, “Let’s cook at home. I want to eat what you make.”

There were still groceries in the fridge that Fu Nan’an had bought the day before. The two of them worked together in the kitchen to prepare the meal, with Chi Zhao responsible for washing and cutting the vegetables and Fu Nan’an responsible for setting up the various appliances. Last night, in the heat of emotion, he hadn’t paid much attention, but now, going about their daily routine, Chi Zhao suddenly noticed that Fu Nan’an’s elbow seemed somewhat swollen.

“Professor, why does this seem swollen here?” Chi Zhao reached out to touch Fu Nan’an’s elbow. Before he could make contact, Fu Nan’an subconsciously turned it away.

“It’s nothing serious, I just bumped it yesterday. It’ll be fine in a couple of days.” Fu Nan’an clearly didn’t want to discuss the topic. Having finally met, he didn’t want to waste energy on this. But Chi Zhao couldn’t just let it go. Chi Zhao put all the vegetables he was holding to the side, washed his hands, and then grasped Fu Nan’an’s wrist. “Don’t say it’s nothing. Let me see.”

The house had heating, and their home clothes weren’t thick. When Chi Zhao lifted Fu Nan’an’s sleeve, he saw a large, swollen area on his elbow, a big patch of red, swollen so much it looked shiny. Chi Zhao carefully pressed it with his finger, and Fu Nan’an’s brow furrowed. “It’s really fine. Don’t touch it.”

“But Professor, we can’t just leave it like this and do nothing.” In the past, Chi Zhao rarely insisted on things Fu Nan’an was unwilling to do, but when it came to Fu Nan’an’s health, it was different. Chi Zhao didn’t listen to him, his fingers still resting on Fu Nan’an’s arm. He gently kneaded the area, his expression very serious. “Let’s still go get it checked. It would be troublesome if the bone is injured.”

Major fractures are easy to diagnose, but small hairline cracks are often overlooked. Without another word, Chi Zhao took Fu Nan’an to the hospital for an X-ray. Fu Nan’an’s arm was so badly swollen that Chi Zhao’s heart was in his throat. It wasn’t until the X-ray came out that he finally breathed a sigh of relief. He had no bone injury, only a soft tissue contusion.

But even so, it was enough to make Chi Zhao’s heart ache.

“How did this happen?” the doctor on duty asked them after looking at the X-ray.

Chi Zhao turned his head to look at Fu Nan’an. “How did it happen, Professor?”

Fu Nan’an lowered his eyelids and admitted quite honestly, “I fell down the stairs.”

“And why didn’t you come get it checked then?” the doctor asked him, holding the X-ray. “It’s injured this badly, didn’t you feel the pain?”

“It did hurt a bit,” Fu Nan’an said with a slight smile. “I just thought it was nothing.”

It really was a coincidence. Fu Nan’an had been in low spirits that night, wasn’t paying enough attention, and fell down the stairs. And it just had to happen right before Chi Zhao returned. Fu Nan’an’s original intention was not to worry Chi Zhao. One could only say that what you fear most is likely to happen. Chi Zhao was clearly angry.

Actually, Fu Nan’an’s injury wasn’t too severe, and fortunately, he was young. Although it looked badly swollen, only the soft tissue was damaged. After the X-ray, the doctor prescribed some medicine and let them go. But still, he was injured. On the way back, Chi Zhao’s face remained taut. No matter how Fu Nan’an called him, he didn’t make a sound.

“What’s wrong?” Fu Nan’an had one arm in a sling and wasn’t using his blind cane anymore, very consciously holding Chi Zhao’s hand instead. “Are you angry, Teacher Chi?”

This was a trick Fu Nan’an had learned back when he was pursuing Chi Zhao. He softened his voice, calling “Teacher Chi” over and over, asking, “Why are you ignoring me?” Chi Zhao was starting to crack. “Stop calling me that.”

Chi Zhao’s tone was a bit stiff. He paused before adding, “Teacher Chi is right here. What are you shouting for?”

“If you’re right here, why are you ignoring me?” Fu Nan’an smiled and grasped Chi Zhao’s hand, actively interlacing their fingers. “Are you angry with me, Teacher Chi?”

Without waiting for Chi Zhao to speak, he proactively started admitting his fault. He was truly afraid Chi Zhao was angry. His elbow was uncomfortable, but his heart felt worse. Chi Zhao only had two days in the country; if they spent them unhappily because of this, it would be such a waste. “I know I was wrong. It’s not that I don’t take care of my body. I genuinely didn’t think it was this serious. Please don’t be angry with me because of this, okay?”

Fu Nan’an appeasingly stroked the back of Chi Zhao’s hand with his thumb. His fingertips were rough with calluses from years of reading Braille. The sensation of the rough texture against his skin was unique. Finally, Chi Zhao turned his hand to grasp Fu Nan’an’s in return and let out a soft sigh. “I’m not angry, Professor.”

Chi Zhao glanced sideways at Fu Nan’an’s red, swollen, and broken skin on his injured arm, looked away, then said, “I just think… not being able to see must be so hard.”

He had felt this countless times before, but after they got together, the feeling had grown even stronger. Fu Nan’an had too many regrets, too many grievances, all because of this one fact of not being able to see.

Because he can’t see, countless people like Mike can wantonly attack and slander him.

Because he can’t see, he himself constantly endures psychological torment.

Because he can’t see, he often gets injured in unexpected situations.

Because he can’t see, he would say that sentence, “I don’t know if I am the best one, but he deserves the best.”

But, he should be the best one.

Fu Nan’an’s love coexists with both insecurity and steadfastness. His physical flaw forces him to endure various trials constantly—his own inner feelings, the doubts of outsiders. But since he resolved to be with Chi Zhao, no matter how difficult, he would never say he’s tired. He would face all difficulties and doubts with fortitude. This feeling is quiet yet intense, but it also made Chi Zhao realize a fact that could not be ignored: as long as Fu Nan’an remains unable to see, he will continue to endure those doubts and put up with all these inconveniences.

“I’m not angry, Professor,” Chi Zhao repeated, his gaze still resting on Fu Nan’an. He looked at the cast on his left arm from the fall, at the faint scars on his temple from numerous bumps and knocks. Finally, Chi Zhao’s eyes settled on those light gray, lusterless eyes. These eyes were beautiful, yet also carried endless regret.

From birth until now, everyone has too many things they want. As a child, you cry wanting milk. Growing up, there are even more things you want to grasp hold of. And if you asked Chi Zhao what he wanted most right now, he would definitely say, “Professor, I want you to see again.”

Chi Zhao paused, then said to Fu Nan’an with great seriousness, “I wasn’t thinking about anything else just now. I was just thinking… I want to cure your eyes.”