Chapter 26 – I like you

Translator: Abo Dammen

The moment their skin touched, Chi Zhao was stupefied.

Their bodies were pressed tightly together. Chi Zhao had his arms wrapped around Fu Nan’an’s waist. The skin was warm, the sensation vivid. Professor Fu carried a faint scent of sandalwood, which now filled Chi Zhao’s breaths. His heartbeat instantly sped up.

Blood rushed to his head, making him feel a little dizzy. The sensation was magical, light and floating as if treading on cotton candy. Professor Fu was more intoxicating than alcohol.

“Are you drunk?” Fu Nan’an’s voice sounded by his ear. Chi Zhao could feel the vibration in his chest.

“No,” Chi Zhao shook his head, still fixated on the idea of leaving. He didn’t want to go. Tightening his arms, he nuzzled against Fu Nan’an’s neck and said, “Professor, I’m not drunk. I don’t want to go.”

Drunk people always claim they aren’t. Chi Zhao insisted he was sober, yet refused to let go of his hold in this position. He was still clutching the lunch box in his arms, making his movements clumsy and awkward, like a clumsy puppy, nearly causing Fu Nan’an to stumble. Chi Zhao’s tone was quite plaintive. “I really don’t want to go, Professor.”

He sounded so wronged, as if he’d been greatly mistreated. Fu Nan’an was truly at a loss. Patting his back reassuringly, he helped him back to the room. Chi Zhao, still uneasy, grabbed hold of Fu Nan’an’s clothes and cautiously leaned close to his ear to whisper, “Professor Fu…”

Fu Nan’an was amused by him. Helping him sit down on the sofa, he said, “And you still say you’re not drunk.”

Chi Zhao’s whole body was warm, like a clingy little animal, still holding onto Fu Nan’an’s clothes. When Fu Nan’an pried his fingers loose, Chi Zhao let out a flustered whimper. Fu Nan’an reached out and ruffled his hair, his tone very gentle, “Alright, just sit here for now. Let me go close the door first. If you want to stay, then you can stay.”

Chi Zhao’s hair was softer than imagined, very smooth. Having received Fu Nan’an’s consent, he became obedient, very conscientiously sitting properly on the sofa. He still held the lunch box in his arms, placed his hands on his legs, and watched with wide eyes as Fu Nan’an walked to the entryway and closed the door. At the sound of the lock clicking shut, Chi Zhao was still concerned. “Can I really stay?”

“Why would I lie to you about this?” Fu Nan’an went to pour a glass of warm water for him, still finding it quite funny. “I didn’t know you were like this when drunk before, just like a little kid.”

If it were anyone else, Fu Nan’an would have suspected it was intentional. Pretending to be drunk to stay, what a cheap trick. But with Chi Zhao, it was different. Fu Nan’an knew Chi Zhao wouldn’t use such methods to deceive him, and even found him rather endearing. He fetched a cup of hot water from the dispenser and handed it to him, asking, “Is your head spinning? Do you feel unwell?”

Chi Zhao genuinely wasn’t pretending to be drunk. On the contrary, he very seriously believed he wasn’t drunk. He just felt a bit hot, but his head was clear. He’d only had one bottle of beer, how could he be drunk? Chi Zhao shook his head, stating with great conviction, “Not dizzy, not unwell. Professor, I’m not drunk.”

Fu Nan’an no longer believed him. He made him finish the water and then went to make up the bed in the guest room. Seeing this, Chi Zhao hurried to help. The winter quilt was soft and thick, forming a large bundle in his arms. As Chi Zhao reached to take the quilt, his arm brushed against Fu Nan’an’s hand. It was like an embrace through the layers of bedding. Soft, warm, comforting.

Fu Nan’an quickly let go. Chi Zhao placed the quilt on the bed, but the comfortable sensation lingered on his skin and in the deepest recesses of his mind for a long time, like a drifting duckweed finding its roots, a satisfaction born from the bottom of his heart.

The bed was soon made, but Chi Zhao still didn’t want Fu Nan’an to leave. The kid knew how to make someone’s heart soften, just gazing at Fu Nan’an with pleading eyes. “Professor, I’m not sleepy yet.”

He ventured tentatively, “Can we talk a bit more?”

A child’s New Year’s wish couldn’t go unfulfilled. It was already this late anyway, chatting a little longer wouldn’t hurt. The night was deep, the firecrackers had quieted. Fu Nan’an sat down beside Chi Zhao. “What shall we talk about?”

“Anything,” Chi Zhao said.

Anything would do. Chatting with Professor Fu was always enjoyable, no matter the topic. They talked about everything under the sun. In truth, he didn’t even know what exactly they discussed, but it just felt very comfortable and reassuring. Professor Fu was gentle and steady, his perspective on things unbiased, and Chi Zhao always gained something from their conversations.

Snow was still falling outside the window, whitening the ground. They chatted by the radiator in the guest room. The room was so warm that Chi Zhao unconsciously yawned.

“Sleepy?” Fu Nan’an asked.

The night was late. Chi Zhao was indeed sleepy, but still trying hard to keep his eyes open. “It’s alright…”

“Sleep,” Fu Nan’an said, ruffling his hair once more. The soft strands slipped through his fingers, a tickling sensation lingering in his palm. “We can talk more tomorrow.”

Firecrackers sounded outside again, crackling and heralding the arrival of the New Year. Fu Nan’an stood up. As he reached the doorway, Chi Zhao mumbled something. In the darkness, Fu Nan’an’s figure paused.

“…Good night.”

A moment later, he said in a low voice, then closed the door for Chi Zhao.

Perhaps because of the alcohol, or perhaps because he knew he was in Fu Nan’an’s home, lying in the guest room bed, Chi Zhao had a long dream.

The feeling was hazy, floating and sinking.

He couldn’t distinguish when the dream began or when it ended. He couldn’t clearly remember the content of the dream. Reality and dream intertwined, recurring and lingering.

The bed beneath him was too soft, and the feeling of spending New Year’s Eve with Professor Fu was too stirring. A powerful emotion lingered in his heart, pent up, on the verge of bursting forth. Chi Zhao’s lips moved slightly… and then his eyes snapped open.

The sky was already bright, the morning sunlight streaming through the window. The room before him was both familiar and strange. Chi Zhao was fully awake now.

He lay in bed a while longer before groping his way out of it. The floor was wooden, making slight sounds under his feet. The creaking noises reached his ears, and Chi Zhao quietly breathed a sigh of relief.

The night’s dreams had been too many and too chaotic. For many moments, he had even wondered if celebrating the New Year with Professor Fu was also a fantasy conjured by his own mind.

His slippers made soft, rustling sounds on the floor. As Chi Zhao pushed the door open, accompanied by its creak, Fu Nan’an’s voice also sounded from not far away. “Awake?”

Fu Nan’an had clearly been up for a long time and was sitting by the dining table. In front of him was a thick Braille book. Chi Zhao touched the tip of his nose, somewhat embarrassed. “Sorry, Professor, I… last night…”

“You got drunk last night and insisted on staying at my place, refusing to leave,” Fu Nan’an smiled, genuinely amused—it was his first time seeing this other side of Chi Zhao. “I didn’t know you could be so coquettish before.”

Chi Zhao was already embarrassed, and hearing this made him even shyer. He himself didn’t know why he had acted that way last night. Stammering, he said, “I’m sorry, Professor, I must have caused you a lot of trouble, right?”

Fu Nan’an shook his head with a smile. “It’s fine.”

The morning remained warm and cozy. By the time Chi Zhao got up, Fu Nan’an had already prepared breakfast. Golden millet porridge was kept warm in the rice cooker, along with steamed purple sweet potatoes, Chinese yam, and some store-bought side dishes.

Fu Nan’an clearly cooked at home often; the food was tasty and highly nutritious. Chi Zhao marveled at how delicious it was while simultaneously reflecting on why he couldn’t cook to this standard. Unwilling to admit defeat, he ultimately attributed the credit to the smart appliances in Fu Nan’an’s home.

It was afternoon by the time Chi Zhao left Professor Fu’s place. Fu Nan’an had kept Chi Zhao for lunch as well. Chi Zhao had really hit the jackpot with this New Year celebration. Their lunch was also cooked by Fu Nan’an.

Chi Zhao hadn’t paid much attention to this area before, but at Fu Nan’an’s home, he discovered there were many smart home appliances now, very convenient for blind users to operate. Fu Nan’an used the oven to make chicken wings for Chi Zhao. They were crispy on the outside, tender on the inside, and the flavor lingered delightfully. Chi Zhao couldn’t help but eat several more, and the more he thought about it, the more he felt he liked it.

“You like them? Then take some more back with you.” Fu Nan’an made another tray of baked chicken wings for him, placing them in the insulated container Chi Zhao had brought. It was heavy and still steaming. Chi Zhao exclaimed, “You’re just too good.”

“It’s just a tray of chicken wings,” Fu Nan’an said, shaking his head with a laugh as he opened the door for him. “You’re so easily won over.”

“You are good,” Chi Zhao said very seriously, then half-jokingly, half-seriously added, “I’m practically about to fall in love with you.”

The atmosphere was too good, and Chi Zhao had just spoken without thinking. Such jokes hadn’t been unheard of before. But this time, as the words left his mouth, Fu Nan’an’s expression shifted slightly.

“Go on back,” Fu Nan’an said mildly, as if he hadn’t heard Chi Zhao’s remark. He guided Chi Zhao out by the back and then closed the door.

The following few days were still part of the holiday. Fu Nan’an wasn’t working during the break, and Chi Zhao felt too embarrassed to keep running over to his house.

The weather was still very cold. He reminded Fu Nan’an several times on WeChat about applying the eye compress on time, but Fu Nan’an didn’t reply. Perhaps he was too busy.

Chi Zhao kept worrying about it and called him. Only then did Fu Nan’an tell him, “Sorry, I’ve been preparing a new research project recently, haven’t been checking my phone much.”

“It’s fine, it’s fine!” How could Chi Zhao mind that? He was just worried, afraid that Fu Nan’an’s lack of reply meant something was wrong. Hearing this, he felt relieved.

“You must remember to use the eye compress these days. After work starts again, I’ll continue helping you with it.”

Fu Nan’an paused, seeming to have something to say, but Chi Zhao spoke first, “Then I won’t disturb you anymore, please continue with your work! See you at the hospital!”

Fu Nan’an was silent for a moment. “Mmm.”

The call ended. Chi Zhao stared at his phone screen for a while. The atmosphere on New Year’s Eve had been so good that he had almost forgotten everything that came before. Fu Nan’an was still avoiding him, more noticeably than before.

Spring had begun according to the calendar, but the weather was still cold. A gust of cold wind blew, and Chi Zhao couldn’t help shivering.

He had specifically chosen a spot with good signal for the call, standing by the window at the end of the corridor. Only after hanging up did he feel how cold it was; he wasn’t wearing a coat.

Chi Zhao returned to his room, put on his thickest winter coat, and closed the window. The rustling north wind still seeped in through the cracks.

It was too cold. It wasn’t just his body that felt cold, Chi Zhao’s heart shivered too.

The Spring Festival holiday wasn’t particularly long or short. Seven or eight days passed in the blink of an eye, and it was time to go back to work. The first day back is always tough. It was hard to get used to, switching suddenly from holiday mode to high-intensity work. Chi Zhao, preoccupied with wanting to find Fu Nan’an after his shift, tackled all his tasks with unusual diligence.

The shift wasn’t too busy. Chi Zhao had less than a week left in his ER rotation. Perhaps because of that phone call with Fu Nan’an, Liu Yang hadn’t made Chi Zhao do any miscellaneous chores lately.

When they first met that day, Liu Yang had very enthusiastically asked him how working on the project with Professor Fu was going. Chi Zhao hadn’t actually been working on any project, so he stammered and brushed it off, his mind actually filled with thoughts of Professor Fu’s baked chicken wings, the embrace scented with sandalwood, and… those hands, gentle yet firm, that had pushed him away.

He had been looking forward to it for so long. Finally, when his shift ended, after handing over duties, Chi Zhao went to Fu Nan’an’s office. Fu Nan’an was doing rounds in the wards. Chi Zhao waited for quite a while before seeing him. Hearing Chi Zhao’s voice, Fu Nan’an’s movements halted briefly, then he said with a half-smile, “Coming here on the very first day back? Such dedication.”

“Of course,” Chi Zhao responded. Fu Nan’an smiled, and so did he, as if nothing had happened. He very proficiently prepared the supplies for the eye compress. “You know I like being here, don’t you?”

The warm towel covered his eyes. The water today was slightly hotter than usual. Fu Nan’an sat in his chair, massaging his temples with his fingers. “By the way, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”

Chi Zhao was still standing beside him. Upon hearing this, his right eyelid suddenly twitched. He seemed to realize what Fu Nan’an was about to say, but he could only pretend to be calm and nod. “Please, go ahead.”

“The Emergency Department rotation must keep you quite busy, seeing you rush off every day,” Fu Nan’an spoke slowly. Chi Zhao’s heart sank little by little, dropping slowly. Fu Nan’an’s words fell clearly into his ears. “Such a small thing as the eye compress really shouldn’t trouble you anymore. I’ll handle it myself from now on.”

So that was it. Chi Zhao panicked. This was what he feared most. “I only have one week left in the Emergency rotation. After that, I’m rotating through Internal Medicine departments, they’re all much lighter. And the others who are studying for postgraduate entrance exams are back now, making up for their leave, so it won’t be too busy—”

“That’s about enough. I can’t keep troubling you forever,” Fu Nan’an, aware of his schedule, easily cut him off. “Besides, aren’t you planning to apply to universities abroad? It’s about time to start preparing for that too.”

“This won’t affect it!” Chi Zhao still wanted to explain, to say he could balance his time. But Fu Nan’an’s expression was already impassive. Chi Zhao’s mouth opened and closed, finally managing to ask haltingly, “So… you don’t want me to come anymore?”

This time, Fu Nan’an’s tone was very firm. “Mhm.”

Chi Zhao’s heart plummeted. Then he heard Fu Nan’an add, “This rotation opportunity is very rare. It’s the only time you get to rotate and learn in different departments. Medicine is a discipline that is both independent and closely interconnected. Once you later settle into a specific department, it becomes very difficult to learn about others. Your time is precious, so keep more of it for yourself.”

This sounded far too formal. Framed as guidance, its true intent lay elsewhere. Fu Nan’an had never said this to Chi Zhao before.

Learning was indeed important, but it wasn’t so pressing that he couldn’t spare these twenty minutes for the eye compress. Chi Zhao knew this well, and so did Fu Nan’an. Chi Zhao had been following Fu Nan’an for a long time. Professor Fu couldn’t possibly doubt his ability to manage his studies. He was just using this excuse to gently push him away, and Chi Zhao knew it.

Chi Zhao also knew why. He had vaguely realized it already. Fu Nan’an had discovered his feelings. That day, when he returned from Fu Nan’an’s home, Fu Nan’an had asked him twice if he ‘remembered what happened last night.’

He hadn’t answered at the time, but in truth, he remembered.

“It’s because of that night, isn’t it?” Chi Zhao’s heart was beating a little fast. He took a deep breath. “I originally thought it was a dream. But thinking back now, feelings that clear definitely weren’t a dream.”

Fu Nan’an’s brow furrowed sharply. He seemed about to say something, but Chi Zhao’s next words were already out.

“You heard it, right? That night, before falling asleep, I confessed to you,” Chi Zhao smiled, looking very seriously at Fu Nan’an, determined, stubborn. He said, “I like you. The kind of liking where I want to be with you.”