Chapter 41 – Right behind you

Translator: Abo Dammen

Don’t be fooled by Chi Zhao’s seemingly nonchalant act of making Fu Nan’an pursue him for over half a month. In reality, he was more anxious than anyone. Fu Nan’an felt settled after giving the flowers and confessing; after dinner, he sat on the sofa, put on his headphones, and started working. Chi Zhao, meanwhile, fiddled with the bouquet Fu Nan’an had given him for a long time, and in the end, secretly posted a moment on WeChat.

[@Chi Zhao: [Shared Picture] Complete.]

What Fu Nan’an had given him wasn’t roses, but a bouquet of red baby’s breath. The small flower clusters dotted the stems like scattered sparks in the night sky, as if about to burn a hole through the dark expanse. Fu Nan’an had said this was what Chi Zhao felt like.

Chi Zhao thought for a long time about how to take the photo, finally choosing the simplest way: a large bunch of baby’s breath occupied three-quarters of the picture, and resting atop the blooming flowers was a pair of overlapping hands.

The caption for Chi Zhao’s WeChat moment was also very simple. He didn’t explicitly state he was in a relationship or with whom. Just the word, “Complete,” frank and aboveboard, yet harboring hidden affection.

After all, they were both men, and with Fu Nan’an’s position to consider, Chi Zhao didn’t tag Fu Nan’an. But those in the know would understand, and many people still sent their blessings.

[@Chen Kaiji: Oh ho ho, my Chi-ge has made it big!]

[@Zhong Yangqiu: [Pushes glasses up emoji] The seer predicted all of this long ago.]

[@Zhou Ruoyao replies to @Chen Kaiji: ? Didn’t you say you were going to sleep? Why are you still on your phone?]

[@Zhou Ruoyao: Sorry for derailing, congrats Xiao Chi~]

Those commenting were all friends who knew the inside story. Some less familiar friends also liked the post and sent hearts, including university classmates and senior brothers/sisters he’d met during his internship. In a flash, two months had passed since graduation. Seeing these names again felt particularly dear to Chi Zhao. He cheerfully replied to them one by one, and then he saw a message Zou Anhe had sent him.

[@Zou Anhe: [Smile Emoji]]

When Chi Zhao saw this “[Smile],” his own smile froze on his face.

It was just the built-in little yellow face emoji, with vertical lines for eyes on its round face and an exceptionally clear curve for a mouth. This emoji is notorious for being the most likely to cause misunderstandings between generations. Several of his supervising teachers liked to send it, and every time Chi Zhao saw it, his heart would give a nervous thud.

Logically, his internship had ended long ago, and Chi Zhao shouldn’t be afraid of Zou Anhe anymore. But because of his relationship with Fu Nan’an, Chi Zhao always felt a sense of guilt whenever he encountered Zou Anhe. Back in the ophthalmology department, Zou Anhe had cautioned Chi Zhao a few times, explicitly and implicitly suggesting it was best to keep some distance from Fu Nan’an.

Chi Zhao knew Zou Anhe didn’t have any ill intentions; it was just advice from a teacher, from Fu Nan’an’s friend. Now that he was really with Fu Nan’an, seeing Zou Anhe’s smile emoji still gave him a feeling of being caught red-handed.

[@Chi Zhao replies to @Zou Anhe: Thank you for your blessing, Teacher Zou. We appreciate your concern.]

Chi Zhao managed with difficulty to craft a reply. As soon as he sent it, Zou Anhe directly sent him a private message.

Chi Zhao: “!”

It was truly fearing what you most expect.

But no matter how scared he was, there was no way out. What was coming would come. Zou Anhe’s private message was very direct, asking Chi Zhao: [Are you with Nan’an now?]

Chi Zhao’s finger paused on the screen for a moment before replying: [Yes.]

Zou Anhe said: [I have some things I’d like to say to you. Can we talk?]

Chi Zhao took a deep breath and replied: [Okay.]

Zou Anhe’s name changed to “Typing…” After a while, he sent a very long message: [Actually, it might not be the most appropriate time to say this to you now, but I still have to talk to you about it. Please don’t think I’m meddling. In my eyes, you’re still young. The leap from student to lover is indeed a big one. As Nan’an’s friend, I have to be cautious. I hope you can understand.]

There wasn’t any drama of trying to break up the loving couple. Zou Anhe had initially truly disapproved of Chi Zhao and Fu Nan’an being together, firstly because of the age difference, and secondly because of Fu Nan’an’s eyes.

Unlike Jiang Mingyuan, Zou Anhe was genuinely considering Fu Nan’an’s well-being. Given Fu Nan’an’s eye condition, Zou Anhe had always hoped his partner would be a bit more mature, someone who could understand and accompany Fu Nan’an. When he first learned Fu Nan’an liked Chi Zhao, Zou Anhe couldn’t believe it. It was only after seeing the change in Fu Nan’an later that he gradually came around.

As a friend, what he really wants is for him to be happy. Zou Anhe’s initial advice for Fu Nan’an to find someone was precisely because he hoped someone could accompany him. Now that Fu Nan’an had chosen Chi Zhao, Zou Anhe also hoped they could walk the path together long-term, without leaving any more regrets.

Zou Anhe talked with Chi Zhao about many things, asked about Chi Zhao’s future plans, and also offered quite a bit of advice for them as a couple, all heartfelt words. Chi Zhao understood Zou Anhe’s deep care and knew he truly regarded Fu Nan’an as a friend. He was also especially grateful for the help Zou Anhe had given Fu Nan’an.

They went back and forth like this for almost an hour. Chi Zhao finally typed out a string of characters on the screen: [Teacher Zou, please rest assured. I’m not the fickle type. Since I’ve fallen for Professor Fu, I won’t change my mind easily. I know the power of words is pale, but time will prove everything.]

The power of words is pale; physical actions are the most powerful. After finishing his conversation with Zou Anhe, Chi Zhao directly reached out and hugged Fu Nan’an around the waist, calling out in a soft voice, “Professor…”

“What’s wrong?” Fu Nan’an took off his headphones and asked him. “What is it?”

“Nothing.” Chi Zhao buried his entire self in Fu Nan’an’s embrace, his voice still soft. “I just wanted to call your name.”

He called. “Professor.”

Fu Nan’an replied, “Mn.”

Chi Zhao called again. “Professor Fu.”

Fu Nan’an lowered his head and kissed his forehead.

To be honest, Chi Zhao wasn’t usually this clingy with Fu Nan’an. He was indeed proactive, but he always knew his limits and would never disturb Fu Nan’an while he was working. This was the first time he was being this sticky and acting coquettish.

Fu Nan’an’s work was also mostly done, so he simply set his computer aside, wrapped his arms around Chi Zhao in return, and asked, “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

“Really nothing, Professor.”

Chi Zhao shook his head, just mimicking his actions by sticking close and kissing him. He said, “I like you so much.”

This was utterly endearing. A young lover acting coquettish was equally hard to resist. Since Chi Zhao didn’t want to say anything, Fu Nan’an didn’t press. He leisurely kissed Chi Zhao’s cheeks, touching his dimple. Fu Nan’an really did love Chi Zhao’s little dimple too much, and having longed to touch it for so long, now he finally could. The kiss, initially meant to be comforting, somehow changed in nature. Gasping for breath, they kissed their way from the sofa to the bedroom, stumbling

along, and then tumbled onto the bed together.

“Professor…” Chi Zhao called out in a soft voice, asking Fu Nan’an, “Shall we?”

Fu Nan’an didn’t speak, just leaned over and covered him. His body was scorching, and so even the air in the room grew hot.

The supplies had been prepared beforehand. Chi Zhao had bought them after the last time. Now it was all justified. They kept at it until dawn, doing everything couples should do.

Afterwards, lying in bed facing each other after their shower, Fu Nan’an’s arm was wrapped around Chi Zhao’s waist. “Did you like that?”

Chi Zhao was so tired he could barely lift his eyelids, but he still said in a hoarse voice, “Yes.”

Liked it.

Liked it so much.

Being the first time doing this kind of thing, they were somewhat unaccustomed to it, and both held back for a long time before letting go. Fu Nan’an couldn’t see, so Chi Zhao took the lead throughout the entire encounter. Chi Zhao guided Fu Nan’an’s hands to touch him. Chi Zhao was so nervous his heart felt like it was about to leap out, but when things got down to the real action, only one feeling remained in his mind: like.

The person inside him was the one he had liked for far too long, liked for too long and yearned for too long. Now he finally belonged to him. Chi Zhao’s heart and eyes were filled entirely with Fu Nan’an alone. Even when sleeping at night, he kept holding his hand. When their skin touched, their hearts felt connected too. Chi Zhao felt there could be no moment more complete than this.

Happy, fulfilling times are always brief. The days of being intimate every night didn’t last long either. Half a month passed in a flash, and by the end of July, it was time for Chi Zhao to leave.

It was a plan set long ago, but now it was Chi Zhao who felt reluctant. Confusion about the future and attachment to the present intertwined. They had only been together for half a month so being separated like this was really too hard to accept.

In the days before leaving, Chi Zhao was in low spirits for quite a while. In the end, it was Fu Nan’an who turned things around to comfort him. “It’s not completely unacceptable. It’s not like we’ll never contact each other again.”

That’s what people say, and rationally, Chi Zhao understood it all. But emotions aren’t entirely governed by reason. Even after hearing Fu Nan’an’s reassurances many times, Chi Zhao’s heart remained unsettled. The night before his departure, Chi Zhao was somewhat absent-minded.

The things he needed to take were already packed. Chi Zhao opened his suitcase to check once more: passport, clothes, charger… Just as he was about to close the suitcase, somehow he got tripped up by the suitcase’s buckle strap. With a clatter, the suitcase tipped over, its contents scattering noisily across the floor. Fu Nan’an quickly followed the sound to his side. “What happened? What was that sound?”

“It’s nothing, I just accidentally kicked the suitcase.” Chi Zhao quickly gathered the items scattered on the floor and put them back into the suitcase. They were about to part soon. Chi Zhao hadn’t wanted Fu Nan’an to worry, but Fu Nan’an still noticed his unusual state.

Fu Nan’an moved closer and asked him, “What’s wrong? Are you unhappy?”

Chi Zhao shook his head, wanting to say no, but Fu Nan’an just laughed somewhat helplessly, half-crouched down, and held Chi Zhao. “Haven’t quite mentally prepared yourself?”

“I have…” Chi Zhao buried his head in the crook of Fu Nan’an’s neck, speaking softly. “I know I have to go. I’m just… a little reluctant.”

Professor Fu’s perception was too sharp. He immediately guessed what was troubling Chi Zhao. Ignoring the open suitcase on the floor, he rubbed Chi Zhao’s neck and lowered his head to kiss his dimple. “There’s nothing to be reluctant about. Communication and travel are so developed now. Even if you wanted to come back, it’s just a day’s trip. What is there to be afraid of?”

Professor Fu’s tone was too gentle, so gentle that Chi Zhao almost felt tears welling up. The more gentle he was, the more it wrenched Chi Zhao’s heart, because Chi Zhao knew it was impossible for anyone to be completely unaffected by their lover’s departure.

Professor Fu had always been gentle and strong. When he was around, everyone else could feel at ease, like a large tree providing shelter from wind and rain. But was he really completely unafraid? When that rain fell on him, did he truly have no negative emotions at all?

When chatting that day, Zou Anhe had said that Fu Nan’an was the type to shoulder everything alone.

Chi Zhao knew and understood this. He was afraid Fu Nan’an was just enduring it.

“Professor, are you really not bothered?” Chi Zhao finally asked aloud, wrapping his arms around Fu Nan’an’s waist in return, asking him in a muffled voice, “Not even a little bit?”

His fluffy hair tickled Fu Nan’an’s neck, making it itch. Fu Nan’an laughed softly. “This question… how do you want me to answer it?”

Fu Nan’an clearly didn’t want to discuss this, trying to laugh and steer the topic elsewhere. Chi Zhao tugged at his clothes, still asking, “Professor, I want to hear the truth.”

This was just Chi Zhao’s personality. He was persistent, almost stubborn. If he wanted to know something, he had to get to the bottom of it. Chi Zhao kept pressing Fu Nan’an, looking like he wouldn’t give up until he got an answer. Fu Nan’an had no way to deal with him and could only shake his head with a wry smile, finally telling the truth. “If you’re asking if I’m completely fine with it, that’s impossible. After all, you’re going to a place so far away. I can’t see you, so I need to be able to touch you to feel at ease.”

This sentence truly struck a chord.

Professor Fu couldn’t see, so Professor Fu was accustomed to using his fingers to perceive.

Chi Zhao had long been mentally prepared, but hearing this, his eyes still stung sharply. He clearly sensed the helplessness in Fu Nan’an’s tone, so he said somewhat helplessly, in a low voice, “I’m sorry, Professor…”

“Don’t say you’re sorry,” Fu Nan’an interrupted him, his tone gentle.

Fu Nan’an stroked his fluffy hair with one hand and gently patted his back with the other, in a posture like comforting a child, but his words were utterly sincere. “There’s nothing to be sorry about. Don’t be sad, and don’t be reluctant. Since you’ve chosen this path, you should walk it firmly. Don’t be held back by me, and I won’t hold you back either.”

Actually, Fu Nan’an hadn’t originally planned to say these things to Chi Zhao. Saying he wasn’t bothered was impossible, that would be too fake. What loving, attached couple would willingly be separated? Moreover, they had only been together for less than a month, and Chi Zhao was going somewhere so far away. The road ahead was long, with too many uncertainties. He truly was reluctant.

But no matter how reluctant, they still had to part in the end. Fu Nan’an wanted his Chi Zhao to move forward. He didn’t want to confine him.

“Be bold and move forward,” Fu Nan’an said. “Don’t be afraid, and don’t look back. I’ll be right behind you.”