Chapter 33 – It’s in the bag

Translator: Abo Dammen

It’s in the bag.

The moment Fu Nan’an’s words left his mouth, only these words remained in Chi Zhao’s mind, like taking a calming pill.

Professor Fu’s performance was too solid. From start to finish, he was fluent, his logic clear, maintaining his gentle and steady demeanor, yet no one could question his presence. Even when a few judges later raised slightly difficult questions, mentioning his eyes, Fu Nan’an’s replies remained neither haughty nor humble.

“My eyes are indeed my vulnerable point. Even now, I still feel regret. I don’t avoid it, nor do I try to explain it away. To say a blind person is completely the same as a sighted person is impossible. It’s normal for you all to have doubts. But eyes don’t define everything. My past achievements are the best proof, and my project is also proof. I have never doubted my own abilities.”

These words were spoken with absolute confidence, and Professor Fu had the capital to be confident. Actually, what the teacher asking this question wanted was an attitude. After Fu Nan’an finished his reply, Chi Zhao saw the satisfied smile on that judge’s face, let alone the other judges.

That’s right, this was Fu Nan’an’s capability. At the beginning of the defense, Chi Zhao had been a bit nervous, but when Fu Nan’an began his presentation, Chi Zhao quickly calmed down. In truth, Chi Zhao was already very familiar with the written materials; he had participated in this project from start to finish, and the project proposal was one he had helped Fu Nan’an type out. But hearing Fu Nan’an defend it live was different. In such an intensely stressful environment, Professor Fu could still maintain composure and calmness, which in turn steadied Chi Zhao’s own anxious heart.

Chi Zhao’s heart was steady, and their project was steady. When the defense results came out, Fu Nan’an’s project unsurprisingly ranked first. The others who defended in the same session were initially somewhat doubtful, but after seeing Fu Nan’an’s project proposal, they had nothing left to say. They couldn’t find fault, it was truly impressive. Several people who had previously gossiped about Fu Nan’an even came to apologize privately, asking if they could collaborate with him in the future.

Fu Nan’an’s attitude was very gentle, “We can, if the opportunity arises.”

Professor Fu’s attitude had always been gentle, it was the same when facing any question. Those prejudices didn’t seem to have left any scars in his heart. Chi Zhao truly admired his mindset. Later, during a casual chat in the lab where they were reminiscing about the past and talked about Fu Nan’an’s university days, Chi Zhao learned that Professor Fu had also had times of loss and depression.

A senior sister asked incredulously, “You really had times when you couldn’t accept it? It feels so hard to believe.”

“What’s so hard to believe?” Fu Nan’an shook his head, answering very honestly. “I was, after all, a top student in ophthalmology back then. I had already been recommended for postgraduate studies. Who could accept being diagnosed with such a disease?”

Fu Nan’an spoke in a half-joking tone, but Chi Zhao could hear the regret in it. Saying there was no regret would be impossible. It wasn’t just about dreams, the fact of losing one’s sight was enough to make anyone fall apart. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to call it a fallen prodigy. Many people’s quality of life plummets after losing their sight, some can’t even maintain the most basic living.

This period was truly heavy. Fu Nan’an had no intention of elaborating, and everyone didn’t press further. But Chi Zhao’s heart remained sunken and clenched, he couldn’t stop worrying.

In the evening, Chi Zhao walked Fu Nan’an home. They had been walking together during this period, as their routes coincided for a stretch. Walking along the road with the evening breeze blowing, when the topic of Fu Nan’an’s eyes came up again, Chi Zhao couldn’t help but ask,”Then, Professor, how did you adjust back then?”

As soon as the words were out, Chi Zhao regretted it. The question was indeed sharp. Afraid Fu Nan’an would recall unpleasant memories, Chi Zhao hurriedly explained, “Professor, I was just asking casually, I didn’t mean anything else. Let’s just pretend I didn’t ask.”

Chi Zhao was afraid of upsetting Fu Nan’an. After speaking, he looked nervously at him. But Fu Nan’an just paused slightly and then laughed. “It’s nothing. There’s nothing that can’t be said.”

Fu Nan’an said, “It’s impossible to say I truly didn’t care. The main thing was learning to adjust myself. Just like we say in psychology, inner healing is a very important process.”

Fu Nan’an had also experienced times of frustration and depression. He had always been a prodigy, the most dazzling presence in the eyes of all his classmates and teachers. When he was first diagnosed, he simply couldn’t accept it. Back then, he had already been recommended for postgraduate studies, but this illness sent him crashing back to square one. His supervisor couldn’t accept him, and there was no way to accommodate him. So, the former prodigy became, in his eyes, useless.

This really wasn’t something to be happy about. Fu Nan’an’s tone was heavy when mentioning this period. “After returning from school, I shut myself at home all day. No one could get me to come out. I could feel the darkness gradually closing in before my eyes but was utterly powerless. I wanted so desperately to see. I read books frantically, but the more desperately I tried, the faster the darkness came.”

This feeling was too fatal. Just listening to Fu Nan’an’s description made Chi Zhao feel he couldn’t bear it. Chi Zhao’s heart ached with each word. He cursed himself countless times in his mind for bringing up this topic, for mentioning Professor Fu’s painful past. Fu Nan’an’s tone paused, then became light again. “Don’t feel sorry for me.”

He laughed, as if breathing a sigh of relief. “Actually, I’m not that unfortunate. I have a very healthy family, and my friends were all there to support and help me.”

Companionship is truly an important thing, the same for everyone. A person cannot exist independently. During his rotation in the Psychology Department, Chi Zhao had deeply understood this point. Facing the same challenge of visual impairment, Zhi Zhi developed psychological problems due to his parents’ indifference, while many other children slowly stood up again because of their families’ companionship. Even Yuanliang, who was physically healthy, had once lost confidence in life due to his father’s beatings and scolding, let alone Fu Nan’an, who lost his sight later in life. The pain and despair at the moment when, after more than ten years of effort, he was on the verge of achievement, must have been immense.

“The pain back then was truly despairing, but I met a few very good friends,” Fu Nan’an said with a smile when mentioning this period. After the darkness faded, there was light. This was actually the most vivid and significant part of his memories. “One is Director Zou from your Ophthalmology Department, and the other you’ve actually seen is Professor Jiang Mingyuan, one of the judges from this defense.”

“Professor Jiang Mingyuan?” Hearing this name, Chi Zhao was somewhat stunned. Fu Nan’an had never mentioned him before. Chi Zhao had indeed seen this person during the defense, but his attitude towards Fu Nan’an didn’t seem very warm. Or perhaps it was because his gaze was somewhat sharp. Initially, Chi Zhao had thought he might have some issue with Fu Nan’an.

“He was my senior from university days, though not exactly,” Fu Nan’an thought carefully about their relationship before saying, “He was a postgraduate student under the professor who had recommended me for graduate studies. Back then, when my recommendation was revoked, he was the one who kept comforting me.”

At that time, it coincided with Zou Anhe being in his fifth year and going on internships, so for a long period, it was Jiang Mingyuan accompanying Fu Nan’an. Jiang Mingyuan had considerable academic pressure himself, but he still often sought out Fu Nan’an, talked with him, and encouraged him not to give up. Several of their friends even pooled money to buy Fu Nan’an a small dog. Although the dog didn’t live long and died from illness, that soft, warm feeling remained in Fu Nan’an’s heart.

Change happens subconsciously. Naturally, at first, Fu Nan’an couldn’t accept others’ kindness. He felt they were pitying him and even lost his temper with many people. Later, encouraged by a few friends, Fu Nan’an chose psychology with a ‘give it a try’ attitude, and that’s how he built himself up step by step to who he was now.

Fu Nan’an said with a smile, “Meeting them was my good fortune.”

The story of the past ended here. Once the heart stands up, it can endure many more hardships. After choosing psychology, Fu Nan’an still encountered countless setbacks—rejected by supervisors, denied by patients—but because of the support of family and friends, he finally managed to climb step by step.

After hearing the story, there was a long silence. The two walked side by side, both feeling heavy-hearted. It was truly hard to feel otherwise; even though the events were past, the emotions still existed.

After a long time, Chi Zhao mustered his courage and touched Fu Nan’an’s hand. “It’s all in the past now, Professor.”

Fu Nan’an smiled and held his hand on his own. “Mhm, it’s past.”

In the evening breeze, their palms were warm. When their fingertips touched, a faint tingling sensation spread through their bodies, and so those past pains slowly drifted away in the wind.

Everyone has had some measure of misfortune, but Fu Nan’an’s misfortune was particularly crushing and devastating. Chi Zhao regretted not having known Fu Nan’an back in those days, but he was also very fortunate that Professor Fu had such friends by his side, eventually enabling him to emerge again.

Perhaps this story left too deep an impression on Chi Zhao. After returning, he unusually suffered from insomnia.

Lying in bed, his mind kept replaying the stories of Fu Nan’an’s past. When he finally managed to fall asleep, he had a long dream.

In the dream, he experienced Professor Fu’s bitterness firsthand as the protagonist. He felt the hardship of that period, of him being laughed at, discriminated against, even refused boarding on buses when going out. They told him blind people shouldn’t come out, and shouldn’t waste social resources.

When dreams and reality chaotically merge, Chi Zhao even dreamed about their recent defense.

He dreamed their project wasn’t selected. He dreamed everyone was prejudiced against Fu Nan’an’s eyes, saying he couldn’t do it, saying no matter how capable he was, he couldn’t compare to others. It was a feeling of profound hopelessness, utterly indefensible. Chi Zhao woke up with a start, his body covered in cold sweat.

It was only five in the morning, so it was still dark outside. Chi Zhao felt even more panicked. Groping for his phone, he sent a message to Fu Nan’an. As the message sent, the phone screen glowed. Chi Zhao’s heart was still racing. He pressed the phone against his chest.

[Professor Fu, is our project really okay?]

In the early morning, as the first rays of sunlight came in, Fu Nan’an’s reply arrived with two simple lines.

[What are you afraid of?]

[Trust me.]

And so, Chi Zhao’s anxious heart settled once again.