Chapter 42 – My boyfriend who loves me (Revised)

Translator: Abo Dammen

Since they had decided to be together, Professor Fu would give Chi Zhao one hundred percent of his trust. The future road held many uncertainties, but as long as their hearts were connected, there was nothing to fear.

Early the next morning, Chi Zhao went to the airport by himself. He didn’t let Fu Nan’an see him off, afraid he wouldn’t be able to bear the parting. During the flight, the plane jolted up and down due to air turbulence, but Chi Zhao’s heart remained steady the entire time.

He registered at the new school, met his supervisor, and chose a dormitory. Every step proceeded in an orderly fashion. Chi Zhao’s roommate was a fair-haired, blue-eyed British guy from the same university. Foreigners are often very direct, and upon their first meeting, his roommate effusively praised Chi Zhao, complimenting his looks and his cooking skills. In the first few days, when Chi Zhao couldn’t get used to the school cafeteria food and occasionally cooked a meal in the dorm, something as simple as tomato and egg noodles or stir-fried seasonal vegetables, his roommate would always pass by with an excited expression, offering generous praise.

“Wow, what’s this? It smells amazing!

“This smells great too! Are you an angel sent by God to save us?”

His praise made Chi Zhao a little embarrassed, so he would smile and say, “It’s really just some everyday Chinese dishes. If you like it, please have some.”

“Of course I like it!” The roommate was very appreciative, giving Chi Zhao a thumbs-up, praising him, and even drinking up every last drop of the soup.

Life overseas was completely different from life back home. The cultural differences and academic pressure occasionally weighed on Chi Zhao, but he was never afraid. He always faced them with a positive attitude.

The days of a long-distance relationship were difficult. The physical separation amplified the distance while diminishing the intimacy. The barrier of time and space slowly pulled the rhythms of their lives apart. Problems that could be solved with a simple hug now required long paragraphs of text to explain, interpret, and guess about.

It was truly hard. Because of the time difference, Chi Zhao often had to wake up in the early hours of the morning to call Fu Nan’an. Yet, Chi Zhao still found joy in it. Every time he chatted with Fu Nan’an, he was smiling.

“Professor, did you miss me?”

This was Chi Zhao’s standard opening line for every call.

“I did,” Fu Nan’an said.

Chi Zhao asked him, “How much?”

Fu Nan’an laughed. “I’ve been thinking about you all the time.”

The lovers’ sweet nothings were always shameless. They didn’t really expect anything more from it. Since they were unable to see or touch each other, they could only use words to get their fix. After returning to his dorm in the evening, Chi Zhao would hold his phone and chat with Fu Nan’an, his tone light and his expression lively. His roommate, curious, came over and asked, “Chi, who are you talking to?”

Since same-sex marriage was legal in the country Chi Zhao was in, he didn’t hide it and admitted openly, “My boyfriend.”

They were speaking English, and the guy didn’t speak Chinese. When the word “boyfriend” came out, the roommate paused, confirming, “Boyfriend?”

Chi Zhao smiled and directly used a newly learned, more romantic expression. “He is the apple of my eye.”

The word “boyfriend” in English can be ambiguous, as it can also mean a regular male friend. Chi Zhao’s phrase came from a metaphor he’d seen in a book. It was a little sentimental, but Chi Zhao liked it very much.

After he said it, Fu Nan’an on the other end of the phone laughed softly. He repeated the phrase. His British accent was very standard, the rounded tones like little hooks gently scratching at one’s heart. Chi Zhao’s heart felt a tingling numbness.

“Did I say it wrong?” Chi Zhao’s face was a little red, but his tone still held a smile.

“No, it’s right,” Fu Nan’an also laughed, then very solemnly repeated Chi Zhao’s words. “You are the apple of my eye.”

The amorous tone made the very air feel ambiguous. Chi Zhao, beaming, continued chatting with Fu Nan’an and thus didn’t notice the fleeting expression that passed over his roommate’s face.

In the first days after parting, every single day felt hard to endure. But later, gradually, the two of them figured out a new way of being together. They were both very busy with work, so they learned to seize every spare moment to chat. They talked on the phone every day, sharing the little details of their lives.

People say long-distance relationships are prone to problems. Two months flashed by. Though Chi Zhao and Fu Nan’an were separated by thousands of miles, their hearts remained tightly pressed together. This was both precious and seemingly inevitable. They were both deeply feeling people to begin with, so those who truly love each other do not fear the distance of time and space.

A sincere emotion never fears a challenge, but it would be untrue to say there were no ripples at all. During the six months Chi Zhao was studying abroad, one small-but-not-insignificant incident did occur—Chi Zhao’s British roommate suddenly confessed his feelings to him.

Chi Zhao’s roommate was named Mike. He studied art in the same faculty. He wasn’t very tall but had a bright personality and loved telling British-style dry jokes. He was half a year younger than Chi Zhao, and Chi Zhao had always seen him as a younger brother. He never expected Mike would confess to him.

It happened after the start of autumn. Later, when Chi Zhao thought about it carefully, he realized there might have been clues. Ever since finding out Chi Zhao was gay, Mike had always seemed to find ways to appear in front of him, asking about him and Fu Nan’an.

At the time, Chi Zhao didn’t think much of it. His eyes were only on Fu Nan’an so how could he notice anyone else? He just thought Mike was interested in his relationship experiences. He never hid the fact that he had a boyfriend from Mike. He would always say, “I like my boyfriend very much.”

But despite this completely transparent attitude, Mike still confessed to Chi Zhao. It was drizzling that day. Mike had arranged candles into a heart shape under their dormitory building. Many students from the building came out to watch. Mike walked up to Chi Zhao holding a large bouquet of roses. “Chi, I like you. Can I pursue you?”

Chi Zhao had just returned from the lab, still wearing his white lab coat. When he saw Mike walking towards him with flowers, he was completely stunned. “You want to pursue me? I have a boyfriend!”

“I know,” Mike said, trying to push the flowers into Chi Zhao’s hands. “I know you have a boyfriend, but I can wait for you.”

…This was truly rather hard to understand.

Perhaps it was a cultural difference or something else, but Mike wasn’t the least bit bothered by the fact that Chi Zhao had a boyfriend. He said he wanted to compete fairly with Fu Nan’an. He seemed convinced that Chi Zhao would break up with Fu Nan’an. Chi Zhao couldn’t understand it and repeatedly explained to him, “My boyfriend and I have a very good relationship. I have no intention of breaking up with him.”

But Mike still persisted. “I can wait for you. I really like you.”

At this point, there was really no need to continue the conversation. Chi Zhao couldn’t control Mike’s thoughts, but he genuinely had no feelings for Mike. His heart was already completely occupied by Fu Nan’an so how could there be room for anyone else? Chi Zhao did not accept Mike’s flowers.

Afterwards, Chi Zhao promptly applied to the school for a room change. Staying in the same dorm as Mike was clearly going to be inconvenient. Chi Zhao didn’t want it and wasn’t willing to endure it. He wanted to let Mike cool down gradually, but he didn’t expect Mike to continue pursuing him relentlessly.

Mid-October was the local rainy season. On this day, the lab was unusually quiet, so Chi Zhao changed and left a little after eight. A hazy, misty rain dyed the sky gray. Anxious to leave, Chi Zhao stood under the eaves waiting for the rain to let up, and took the opportunity to call Fu Nan’an.

Usually, when Chi Zhao returned to his dorm in the evening, it was Fu Nan’an’s work hours, so they could only exchange a few brief voice messages. But today, Chi Zhao had left earlier, coinciding with the lunch break back in China, so he could finally talk with Fu Nan’an a bit longer.

“Professor,” Chi Zhao asked with a smile, “have you eaten yet?”

“Just finished,” Fu Nan’an said. “I had the braised pork ribs from the second cafeteria. I remember you said you really liked them before.”

It was really just ordinary conversation, but both of them enjoyed it. Talking with someone you care about makes every sentence a joy. It wasn’t necessary to discuss anything important; this kind of plain, daily chatter was enough to make one feel secure.

The rain pattered noisily on the ground. The sealed glass doors kept out the wind and rain. Outside, the wind howled and the downpour continued, but Chi Zhao, standing in the lab building’s lobby chatting idly with Fu Nan’an, felt no coldness at all, even as a chilly draft seeped through the door cracks.

They chatted like this for a long time. Finally, the rain outside lightened. Chi Zhao opened his umbrella, preparing to walk out, when he suddenly saw Mike’s figure in the rain.

“Chi! Over here!”

Mike spotted Chi Zhao immediately. He had come specifically for him. The rain had been heavy earlier, and Mike’s clothes were completely soaked, clinging stickily to his body, but he seemed not to notice. He waved enthusiastically at Chi Zhao. “It’s raining heavily! Let me walk you back!”

Chi Zhao’s brows furrowed. “What are you doing here?”

Mike said, “I came to pick you up!”

“I don’t need you to pick me up.” Chi Zhao ignored his enthusiastic tone and stopped about two meters away from him. “I didn’t ask you to.”

To be fair, Chi Zhao knew how painful unrequited feelings could be. But not liking someone meant not liking them. He couldn’t give Mike a response. He could not and would not. He genuinely did not have those feelings for him.

“Don’t waste your time on me. It’s not worth it, and it’s not necessary. Love should be a two-way street to be meaningful, and besides, I already have a boyfriend.”

Chi Zhao’s tone was sincere. He said, “I love my boyfriend very much.”

Up to this point, Chi Zhao had remained calm. Liking someone itself isn’t right or wrong; it’s a feeling worthy of respect. Chi Zhao was rejecting Mike, but he didn’t feel any disgust towards him.

He never expected Mike to take two steps forward and suddenly grab his hand—

“What’s so great about your boyfriend? Why can’t you consider me?” Perhaps it was being rejected too many times, or perhaps it was something else. Chi Zhao’s tone was too cold, and it provoked Mike’s emotions. The rain suddenly poured down harder. Mike gripped Chi Zhao’s hand tightly. “Yes, you love your boyfriend, you say that every time! But what’s so good about that boyfriend of yours? You’re so far apart! He can’t even bring you an umbrella on a rainy day!”

“Mike!” Chi Zhao rebuked sharply, but Mike’s words kept tumbling out. “I know! I know everything! Your boyfriend isn’t worthy of you at all. I’ve seen you chatting. He’s just a blind man! What’s so good about a blind man?!”

“Mike! Enough!” Chi Zhao’s tone turned completely icy.

At this point, Chi Zhao was truly angry. He had never hidden the fact of Fu Nan’an’s blindness, but he never expected Mike to use it as a weapon against him. Mike’s words kept coming, each one nastier than the last. Chi Zhao directly cut him off and shook off his hand. “This is just pointless now.”

Perhaps people can be impulsive and say things they don’t mean when pursuing love, but Chi Zhao truly could not accept such words. He was genuinely angry. He used all his strength to shake Mike off, causing Mike to stagger back two steps. But Chi Zhao paid him no further mind.

After speaking, Chi Zhao turned to leave. Mike, belatedly realizing he had misspoken, hurried after him, trying to grab his clothes. Chi Zhao frowned. “Let go.”

“Chi…” Mike pleaded in a small voice. “Don’t be like this… I know I was wrong… I didn’t mean it… I said the wrong thing… Just tell me what’s good about him, I can learn, I can do better than him…”

“You certainly did say the wrong thing,” Chi Zhao said. “A lover isn’t just about holding an umbrella or simple companionship. You don’t know what we’ve been through together. No matter how much you learn, you can’t become him. You aren’t him. I love him for who he is, including his eyes.”

Chi Zhao was always good-natured with people, but he was by no means a pushover. The reason he hadn’t rejected Mike so thoroughly before was that he knew how much rejection hurt. He was unwilling to wound with harsh words or use forceful methods. But Mike’s words had truly struck a nerve. He would show no more leniency.

“I didn’t use harsh words with you before because I respected you. But my respect doesn’t mean you can push boundaries without limit. Liking someone is one person’s business. I’ve already made it clear I don’t have feelings for you. To pester me after that is just being obtuse.

“This isn’t devotion, it’s just self-indulgence. You have no idea what exists between my boyfriend and me. You disregard my wishes and want us to break up. You keep saying you like me, but you’re slandering the person I love. Love shouldn’t be about possession or coercion. Just like how I love my boyfriend, I only want him to be happy.”

Having said that, Chi Zhao left, turning and walking away quickly.

Mike had never imagined Chi Zhao would say such things. To him, Chi Zhao was always gentle and smiling. He panicked a little, reaching out to grab Chi Zhao’s hand. But Chi Zhao’s words echoed in his ears like a curse, making it impossible for him to think clearly.

“Chi…”

He called out futilely, suddenly realizing how utterly mistaken he had been. But it was indeed too late. Chi Zhao didn’t even glance his way, walking straight off under his umbrella.

Chi Zhao was truly angry. The rain beat against his umbrella with a pit-a-pat sound. Walking briskly under the umbrella, his steps got faster and faster, then he suddenly stopped. He remembered something—he hadn’t hung up the phone earlier!

Chi Zhao was stunned. He hurriedly looked down at the phone in his hand. The screen was indeed lit up, the words “Call in progress” glaringly obvious.

He still couldn’t quite believe it, hesitantly calling out, “…Professor?”

Two seconds later, Fu Nan’an’s voice came through the receiver: “Hmm, I’m here.”

The deep voice was clear even through the phone. Chi Zhao’s mind buzzed.

He had been decisive when rejecting Mike, but he never expected Fu Nan’an to hear it. He hadn’t mentioned Mike to Fu Nan’an, afraid of worrying him and also feeling it was unnecessary. Now that he had heard, Chi Zhao felt his heart was about to stop.

Mike confessing was one thing, Chi Zhao wasn’t afraid of that. But of all days, it had to be today, and Mike had said those things about Fu Nan’an’s eyes, and Fu Nan’an had heard. Chi Zhao simply couldn’t accept it.

What Chi Zhao feared most was others mentioning Fu Nan’an’s eyes. He knew how difficult it had been for Professor Fu. He hated anyone using that to hurt Fu Nan’an. And now, his worst fear had come true. His tone instantly became flustered. He was afraid Fu Nan’an would overthink it: “Professor, don’t pay any attention to that person! He was just talking nonsense! I’ve never felt that you and I are unsuitable, I… I…”

Chi Zhao was so flustered he was becoming incoherent. Fu Nan’an called out softly, “Chi Zhao.”

“It’s alright,” he said. “I don’t mind that.”

Then he added, “Actually, I’m glad you said those things to Mike.”

Fu Nan’an’s tone was gentle, slowly smoothing out the tight wrinkles in Chi Zhao’s heart. He had indeed heard those hurtful words from Mike, but he wasn’t someone who could be easily wounded by a few malicious remarks. His eye condition had given Fu Nan’an much pain, but it had also given him a strong heart. Moreover, he had now met a wonderful partner who would defend him, who would strive fiercely to stand up for him.

“I’m very happy about what you said to Mike,” Fu Nan’an said. “I know about my eyes, but I didn’t know you would defend me like that. I was indeed afraid that ‘not being able to see’ would affect our relationship, but I never thought—

“‘I love him for who he is, including his eyes’?”

Fu Nan’an half-teasingly imitated Chi Zhao’s tone. Chi Zhao’s face flushed red instantly. Still defiant, he said awkwardly, “I… I wasn’t wrong!”

“Mmm, you weren’t wrong,” Fu Nan’an said with a laugh. “I’m just very happy. Now there’s one more person who knows you love me.”

He said, “Because I love you too.”

…This was too embarrassing.

Professor Fu was truly gentle and strong, and on top of that, he knew how to be charming. Chi Zhao never expected the conversation to steer in this direction. They chatted a while longer, the tips of Chi Zhao’s ears burning red. Still uneasy, just before hanging up, he asked again, “Professor, you’re really not bothered, are you? By what he said…”

“Don’t worry.” Fu Nan’an’s voice was smiling. “I’ve been through quite a lot, after all. I’m not so fragile as to be troubled by a few words.”

He paused a moment, then added, “And besides, I have a boyfriend who loves me so much, don’t I?”