Chapter 39 – Teacher Chi, can you teach me?

Translator: Abo Dammen

It was a very gentle kiss. Fu Nan’an’s body was trembling, yet he still deliberately controlled his strength. His lips brushed against Chi Zhao’s, soft and reverent.

Fu Nan’an’s lips were slightly cool. When they pressed against his, Chi Zhao was momentarily stunned. He had never imagined Fu Nan’an would take the initiative to kiss him. He instinctively took half a step back, but Fu Nan’an directly wrapped an arm around his neck, pulling him closer.

“Don’t hide…” Fu Nan’an said in a low voice.

Their scorching breaths intertwined, the half-pleading tone completely lost in the space between their lips and teeth. Chi Zhao felt a little drunk. Fu Nan’an’s mouth carried a faint scent of tea, slightly bitter yet uniquely intoxicating.

“Professor…”

Chi Zhao’s fingers clutched at Fu Nan’an’s clothes, the cool fabric filling the spaces between his fingers. He was gripping too hard, his fingers trembling. Fu Nan’an soon took his hand, intertwining their fingers. Professor Fu’s fingers were warm and strong, and so Chi Zhao’s heart slowly steadied. He lifted his head and met Fu Nan’an in a quiet kiss.

Fu Nan’an’s movements were gentle, yet that gentleness was equally sensual. He kissed Chi Zhao’s lips unhurriedly, feeling and tracing every inch, the lingering, tender sensation winding around Chi Zhao’s sensitive nerves. Chi Zhao subconsciously parted his lips slightly, and the moment they separated, Fu Nan’an’s tongue unhesitatingly slipped past his teeth and entered.

Thus, the gentle embers turned into a scorching prairie fire, making Chi Zhao’s entire soul tremble. The air in their mouths grew thinner, yet Chi Zhao didn’t pull away. As their cheeks touched and heads pressed close, all other sensations blurred. His mind held only this person, could only think of this person. By the time Fu Nan’an finally released him, Chi Zhao had gone completely soft in his arms.

“Professor…” Chi Zhao called out, his voice hoarse.

“I won’t hide from you anymore.” Fu Nan’an’s voice was equally raspy. In the moment of their embrace, he had nothing left to fear. His low, husky voice melted into the wind as he said, “…I love you.”

That night, the two held each other in the wind for a long time. Later, they walked circle after circle along the grove. The woods by the night market were noisy, the street was full of vehicles, and as the night breeze blew, neither of them spoke. All their feelings were conveyed within that gentle wind. This kind of ambiguous, enchanting intimacy was too captivating. Even the next morning during the meeting, Chi Zhao was still savoring it. He didn’t dare look at Fu Nan’an.

He didn’t dare look, yet they were still holding hands. During the morning meeting, Chi Zhao sat right beside Fu Nan’an. The low table blocked the view, and beneath it, Fu Nan’an’s hand held Chi Zhao’s tight.

The previous day’s gathering had originally drawn a satisfactory conclusion to the failed selection incident, but at the next morning’s meeting, Fu Nan’an brought the matter up again. Under the table, their hands were linked, while Fu Nan’an’s tone was firm. “There’s something I’ve thought about for a long time, and I still feel I should apologize to everyone. Actually, I had obtained evidence regarding Jiang Mingyuan’s matter back then. But because he said some unpleasant things when he spoke to me, I hesitated and didn’t expose it in time.”

Originally, Fu Nan’an hadn’t planned to tell everyone about this episode. Previously, everyone only knew what Jiang Mingyuan had done, not the various stories that had transpired between Fu Nan’an and Jiang Mingyuan. Now, as Fu Nan’an told everyone about his conversation with Jiang Mingyuan and laid bare his own feelings for them to hear, the usually lively lab fell into a long silence. No one had expected Professor Fu to have this side of him.

Later, while chatting, Zou Anhe said to him, “Actually, you don’t need to tell the students in such detail. You could just push all the blame onto Jiang Mingyuan. After all, he was indeed the one who did wrong first. Taking the blame yourself like this might make the students think less of you, feel you weren’t brave enough.”

“I am indeed not brave enough,” Fu Nan’an laughed upon hearing this, readily admitting it.

If it were before, he probably wouldn’t have said anything. He could have pushed all the responsibility onto Jiang Mingyuan and continued being the perfect, highly intellectual professor. But he didn’t want to do that anymore. He still held his white cane, his vision was a blur, yet it seemed a little light had been added. “Everyone has an imperfect side. Admitting you were wrong is not shameful. There’s nothing to hide about it.”

He no longer needed to constantly maintain his perfect facade. He could candidly face his own shortcomings. Chi Zhao wasn’t by his side during this conversation with Zou Anhe, but when Fu Nan’an thought of the warmth of Chi Zhao’s hand, he felt his entire heart was settled and exceptionally at peace.

He was no longer afraid of exposing his flawed side, because he knew now that there was someone who would always be there to accept him and love him.

Sometimes, openly admitting your faults makes it easier for others to understand you. At the time, when Fu Nan’an admitted his mistake, everyone was shocked, but later, they felt they could actually understand. Some even sought Fu Nan’an out privately to apologize, saying they had previously taken his success for granted, and hearing him speak about his own psychology made them realize what torment he had endured.

When you hide and posture, your image is untethered and floating. But after being completely open and honest, you instead become more like a real person. After this incident, everyone’s attitude towards Fu Nan’an noticeably changed. In their hearts, he was still the gentle, steady professor, but he was no longer as lofty and unapproachable as before. He had become more real and more down-to-earth.

Indeed, where are there truly perfect people? Real people are actually more likable, not to mention that having the courage to admit one’s mistakes requires immense bravery in itself. After this incident passed, the number of Fu Nan’an’s admirers didn’t decrease, but only grew. Consequently, Chi Zhao started getting headaches again. There were just too many people who liked Professor Fu, and the status of his relationship with the Professor wasn’t even confirmed yet!

The situation between Chi Zhao and Fu Nan’an was still unclear. They had kissed, they had hugged. Sometimes Chi Zhao felt that this meant they were in a relationship. But perhaps because the two had never formally stated they were together, Chi Zhao’s heart still felt bothered. Chi Zhao had always been the active one. Now that Fu Nan’an was responding to him, he didn’t dare confirm exactly what step they were on.

Chi Zhao had thought about confirming it, but he didn’t know how. He couldn’t just directly ask Professor Fu, “Are we dating?”, could he? What if the professor said no? Wouldn’t that be too heartbreaking?

So he wrestled with it, hesitated. Chi Zhao’s internship then ended. After the internship, they moved back from the hospital to the school. And right after they moved out, a new batch of interns immediately reported to the hospital. The hospital’s internship system was like this, one crop after another. Each cohort of students seemed particularly inconspicuous in the flow of time, all just fleeting passers-by.

One day, Chi Zhao came to the hospital to find Fu Nan’an as usual. Pushing the office door open, he saw two interns circling around Fu Nan’an, one moment asking how to operate this piece of equipment, the next asking how to perform that examination. Chi Zhao knew that look and expression all too well. The two young women clearly had a crush on Fu Nan’an.

Chi Zhao couldn’t help but speak up. “Professor Fu!”

“Chi Zhao?” Fu Nan’an’s expression had been serious, but upon hearing Chi Zhao’s voice, a clear smile appeared. “What brings you here so suddenly?”

Chi Zhao retorted, “Can I not come?”

“Of course you can. I just wasn’t prepared.” Fu Nan’an shook his head with a laugh, offering his own chair to Chi Zhao to sit in while he himself stood up. “I’m not quite finished here. Wait for me a moment, I’ll be off work soon.”

Their good rapport was one thing, but Fu Nan’an’s attitude towards Chi Zhao was distinctly different. Their tones were familiar, their movements naturally intimate. Seeing this, the expressions of the two interns immediately changed.

Fu Nan’an took the two interns aside to answer their questions. They exchanged a look, and the slightly taller girl moved closer to Fu Nan’an and asked, “Professor, was that your younger brother just now?”

Her tone was clearly curious. Fu Nan’an shook his head and said, “No.”

“Then what is he?” the girl grew even more curious, practically leaning in to ask, “Professor, what’s your relationship?”

Fu Nan’an glanced at her but didn’t answer the question. “Do you have any other questions? If not, you should head back early.”

The three of them were standing not far from Chi Zhao, so the conversation fell directly into his ears. The girl sensed Professor Fu’s displeasure and didn’t press further. Chi Zhao sat in his seat looking at his phone, but his thoughts involuntarily drifted far away.

What exactly was their relationship?

Even Chi Zhao himself didn’t know.

Although youthful feelings often ask for nothing in return, staying in this ambiguous state was unbearable. It was too difficult. Chi Zhao could feel their relationship had reached a point, and it was time to pierce through this layer. This feeling of something on the verge of being spoken made him uncomfortable. To want nothing at this stage would be disingenuous. Chi Zhao wanted to be with Fu Nan’an. He had wanted it for far too long.

“What are you thinking about?”

The voice sounding by his ear brought Chi Zhao back to himself. Looking up, he realized the two girls had already left, and only the two of them remained in the office. Fu Nan’an had slowly walked over to him. “What were you thinking about just now? I called you a few times, but you didn’t respond.”

That gentle tone made it impossible to voice the question. So, Chi Zhao still held back. “…It’s nothing.”

He asked Fu Nan’an, “Shall we head back? Should I walk you?”

Fu Nan’an nodded and said, “Okay.”

During this period, Chi Zhao often went to Fu Nan’an’s home, and their interactions had become very tacit. Fu Nan’an made dinner. After they ate, the two sat together on the sofa to rest. Fu Nan’an reached out and held Chi Zhao’s waist, bringing up the matter again. “Did you have something on your mind earlier in the office?”

Chi Zhao still didn’t really want to admit it. “Did I?”

“You did,” Fu Nan’an said. “I felt your mood was a bit off.”

Professor Fu’s perception was too sharp, nothing could be hidden from him. Chi Zhao wanted to speak but didn’t know how to start. Fu Nan’an’s brow furrowed slightly. “If you have something to say, just say it.”

“I…”

Chi Zhao’s lips moved soundlessly, unsure how to begin. Fu Nan’an continued, “You know my personality. I don’t like guessing other people’s thoughts. You can say anything. I don’t want you keeping things from me.”

Professor Fu’s tone was a bit cold, and Chi Zhao’s heart cooled a little too. Wasn’t the reason he hesitated to ask precisely because Fu Nan’an had never given him any promises? Professor Fu had said he liked him, he said he loved him, but hadn’t he liked him and still rejected him before?

“I was thinking… What exactly is our relationship?”

Chi Zhao finally couldn’t hold back anymore. Once the words were out, everything became much simpler. Mustering his courage, Chi Zhao took hold of Fu Nan’an’s hand. The Professor’s hand was a bit cold. “I heard you talking with the interns today. I don’t mind that you didn’t tell them about our relationship since there isn’t really one to begin with, and it’s not appropriate to tell others anyway. But do you plan to just continue like this indefinitely?”

Chi Zhao paused. His heart was beating very fast as he looked up at Fu Nan’an. “Professor, just what is our relationship? Shouldn’t you give me a clear answer too?”

This was truly throwing caution to the wind. After he finished speaking, he watched Fu Nan’an nervously. Fu Nan’an’s brow was still knitted. This expression of incomprehension made Chi Zhao feel he had misinterpreted the situation, and it made him feel awful. His unmoored heart felt punctured.

“Never mind.” Chi Zhao’s heart sank little by little. He let go of Fu Nan’an’s hand. “I was overthinking it, Professor. Please pretend I never said anything.”

His heart sank heavily, feeling stifled. Chi Zhao didn’t know how to describe what he was feeling. He stood up and turned to leave, feeling terribly awkward and unsure what to do. Fu Nan’an reached out and grabbed his wrist. “Don’t go.”

“Professor…”

Chi Zhao instinctively tried to pull away. He deliberately emphasized the word “Professor” to remind himself of the boundary between them. This vague, undefined relationship had made him suffer for too long. He never expected Fu Nan’an to directly pull him into an embrace. Fu Nan’an lowered his head and kissed his wrist. “Don’t go. Don’t be angry. Don’t be upset. You didn’t overthink it. I was the one who underthought it.

“I thought we were already together. I didn’t realize I needed to specifically say it. I was the one who was wrong.” Fu Nan’an held him tightly, kissing him inch by inch, not allowing him to break free. “I was wrong. This is my first time being in a relationship too. I don’t understand these things.

“I stopped being just your professor a long time ago. It’s me who is learning from you,” Fu Nan’an said. “I don’t understand love. Teacher Chi, can you teach me?”