Chapter 29 – Don’t keep giving me the cold shoulder

Translator: Abo Dammen

Do you really understand? It sounded like a question, yet also like a temptation. Fu Nan’an’s voice was very low, his breath fanning against Chi Zhao’s neck as he spoke, “Do you really understand? An adult’s love isn’t the ‘playing house’ kind of liking children have.”

It was too close. The lips, mere inches away, teased Chi Zhao’s sensitive nerves. The string in Chi Zhao’s mind snapped abruptly. He rose on his tiptoes, and his lips pressed directly against Fu Nan’an’s. “I understand, Professor, I understand.”

His liking for Fu Nan’an had never been a superficial admiration. He wanted him. He had dreamed of him countless times. Scenes like today were things he had dreamed of more than once. He had longed for this for too long.

With the dream suddenly becoming reality, Chi Zhao could hardly believe it. Gasping for breath, he guided Fu Nan’an’s hand from his arm towards his collar. He had never done anything like this, his nerves were stretched taut, but he was willing. “Professor, is this what you want? I can…”

As his trembling fingertips brushed against skin, Fu Nan’an was momentarily dazed. But just for that instant, he quickly regained his composure. “Chi Zhao!”

Fu Nan’an hadn’t expected Chi Zhao to be so bold. He grabbed Chi Zhao’s wrist, his tone exceptionally stern. “Do you have any idea what you’re doing?”

Professor Fu was truly angry, his voice so cold it could almost freeze. Chi Zhao was stupefied. After a moment, he too realized how audacious he had been. “I’m sorry, Professor, I… I just…”

I just like you too much.

So doing anything with you would make me happy. I’m willing.

These words were too explicit. Even someone as direct as Chi Zhao couldn’t say them aloud. Chi Zhao knew he had misinterpreted the situation, and his face instantly paled. His mind was in chaos, terrified that Fu Nan’an would think he had overstepped. His body stiffened, afraid to move. Sensing the rigidity of his muscles, Fu Nan’an slowly released his hand, no longer restraining him. “I’m sorry. I should be the one apologizing.”

He truly should be the one apologizing. For a moment, he had entertained thoughts about Chi Zhao. He had lost control, acted on impulse. When he pinned Chi Zhao down, he had indeed wanted this person. It wasn’t Chi Zhao’s fault for misunderstanding, it was his mistake.

The loss of control was only momentary. Fu Nan’an quickly regained his usual composure. He genuinely wanted to reject Chi Zhao, so his attitude was particularly cold. “Has a month not been enough time for you to think clearly?”

“I have thought it through. I’ve always been clear.” Having said all there was to say, Chi Zhao had nothing left to fear. A numb sensation still lingered on his lips from where they had bumped against teeth during the kiss. Chi Zhao touched the spot with his finger, feeling a faint ache. “I know what I’m doing. I just like you.”

He was truly at the “broken pot” stage now. After speaking, Chi Zhao looked nervously at Fu Nan’an. He wasn’t nearly as calm as he appeared on the surface, his heart was beating wildly. Fu Nan’an’s eyelids lowered slightly, a haze in his eyes. “I didn’t want to discuss this with you before, but you seem exceptionally persistent.”

Perhaps because of Chi Zhao’s extreme persistence, Professor Fu’s tone was noticeably different from before. His voice lowered, making Chi Zhao’s heart race in response. He didn’t know what Fu Nan’an was going to say, didn’t know if what he was about to hear would make him happy or sad. He held his breath to listen. Fu Nan’an’s tone remained heavy, steady, “Constantly avoiding this topic was my mistake. I shouldn’t have treated you like a child. I admit… I admit I’ve had thoughts about you. But I never considered being in a relationship.”

It wasn’t entirely happy, nor entirely sad. Before Chi Zhao could even feel joy at Fu Nan’an admitting he’d had thoughts about him, he heard the words “never considered being in a relationship.” Chi Zhao didn’t understand. “Why?”

He suddenly thought of a possibility and instinctively looked at those light gray eyes. Fu Nan’an’s expression was still calm. He very frankly reached up and touched his own eyes. “You can probably guess. You know my situation. I haven’t been able to see for many years. Being with anyone requires adjustment. I’m not used to it, and I don’t like it.”

Hearing this, Chi Zhao panicked. He was most afraid of discussions about Fu Nan’an’s eyes. In the months since he’d been with Professor Fu, he had accompanied him through too many instances of being treated differently and sidelined. Thus, Fu Nan’an’s gentleness now felt even more saddening and heartbreaking.

“I don’t mind,” Chi Zhao said urgently. Looking at Fu Nan’an’s light gray eyes again, he felt as if his heart was being pinched, aching. “You know my personality, I truly don’t care—”

“I know. But I care.” Fu Nan’an interrupted him. He smiled slightly, negating Chi Zhao’s thoughts. “Telling you this isn’t to make you feel sorry for me. This happened many years ago. I’ve walked a new path alongside it. I’ve found my value in the field of psychology. Everyone has their own path. There’s no need for you to feel sorry for me.”

His gentle tone carried great strength and was also brooking no argument. “I’m already accustomed to this life. For me, romantic feelings aren’t a necessity. Overly intense emotions are actually troublesome for me. I’m not used to this feeling of losing control.”

The conversation should have ended here. Fu Nan’an had made himself very clear. But a young person’s liking is truly fearless. Even so, Chi Zhao was still unwilling to

give up. Fu Nan’an had admitted he liked him, so why couldn’t they try? “But what if… we are suitable?”

Fu Nan’an gave a faint smile and asked him the same question, “What if we’re not suitable?”

No one can predict the future. Fu Nan’an didn’t want to string Chi Zhao along, that would be too irresponsible. He remembered what Auntie Zhao had said, recalled the shy tones the young nurses used when mentioning Chi Zhao. Chi Zhao was indeed a very popular young man. “There are many people your own age around you who are more suitable than I am. Don’t waste your efforts on me.”

“But I just like you. I don’t feel this is wasting effort. It’s something that makes me happy,” Chi Zhao shook his head, his tone still firm. “Liking you is my business alone. It’s fine if you can’t reciprocate. I just… just like you.”

That confession back then was indeed impulsive, but Chi Zhao had never regretted it. At that time, Fu Nan’an was already avoiding him. More than regret, he feared regret of a different kind. What he feared most was Professor Fu giving him the cold shoulder, fearing it ending just like that, ambiguously. “If you say you don’t want a relationship, then we won’t. I actually never really expected you to accept me. I just want to talk with you more. I only have about half a year left in my rotation here. I promise I can manage my time well. Could you… please stop giving me the cold shoulder?”

Don’t keep giving me the cold shoulder. The request was so simple, simple enough to be heartbreaking. Chi Zhao asked Fu Nan’an if he could still come to see him in the future, swore he absolutely wouldn’t have any other ideas. Fu Nan’an’s lips parted and closed, but he ultimately couldn’t bring himself to refuse.

“You really are…” Fu Nan’an pressed his fingers to his temple. He had truly never encountered someone so persistent. “Why must you do this? Do you think it’s worth it yourself?”

“It’s worth it. I think it’s totally worth it.” Chi Zhao smiled frankly. He truly thought so. He made his earnest request again, “Professor, can I still come to see you? I’ll help you with the eye compress. I want to come find you. It’s my own wish.”

He couldn’t refuse, nor did he want to refuse. When Chi Zhao said these words, Fu Nan’an knew he could no longer reject him. His heart had never felt so full, as if a small, fuzzy animal had nestled right on his chest, warming his entire heart.

Fu Nan’an stroked his white cane and let out a deep sigh. “…You decide for yourself.”

–

Before he knew it, they had talked for several hours. By the time Chi Zhao headed back, it was already dark.

It was hard to describe his exact mood. It was a mix of happiness and sadness. Having poured out so many words at once, he felt completely drained.

His roommates weren’t back yet. After returning to the dorm, Chi Zhao took a hot shower. The hot water washed away the day’s fatigue. After his shower, he sat down at his desk.

Inside a small drawer were over a dozen cotton candy sticks. Chi Zhao took them out one by one, looking at them under the desk lamp. He was looking so intently that he didn’t even notice when someone appeared beside him.

“Chi-ge, what are you doing there?” Chen Kaiji patted Chi Zhao’s shoulder from behind. Having just given the gift to Zhou Ruoyao, Chen Kaiji was clearly riding high on romantic success, the smile on his face was impossible to hide. “What’s so interesting about a few sticks? Come on, Chi-ge, I ordered some barbecue. Let’s go to the rooftop and chat.”

Newly together couples are often like this, wanting to share their joy with everyone around them. Chen Kaiji dragged Chi Zhao straight up to the rooftop. Chi Zhao couldn’t refuse. He hurriedly put the sticks back in the drawer and followed him upstairs. “What do you want to talk about?”

What else could it be? Chen Kaiji opened a can of beer for Chi Zhao, then untied the bag of barbecue. The rich aroma of cumin filled the air. Chen Kaiji smiled a bit sheepishly. “…Well, just about me and Ah Yao stuff.”

They ate barbecue and drank beer. Sitting on the rooftop, Chen Kaiji chattered incessantly about the stories between him and his girlfriend, the shy moments, the funny ones. Chi Zhao was also infected by his smile, clinking glasses and drinking with him.

Chi Zhao was genuinely happy for him. No matter his own romantic situation, he sincerely blessed Chen Kaiji. But inevitably, as he watched Chen Kaiji’s happy smile, a trace of bitterness unconsciously welled up in the depths of his heart.

“Come on, Chi-ge, another toast to you.” The first can of beer was almost finished. Chi Zhao took another from the bag, the “pop” sound of the pull-tab breaking the night air as he opened it and handed it to Chen Kaiji, offering his sincere blessing. “You two must treat each other well. A long and happy union together.”

Chi Zhao smiled brightly, deliberately trying not to let Chen Kaiji notice his own feelings. He didn’t want to spoil Chen Kaiji’s good mood. But Chen Kaiji was observant and quickly noticed something was off. “What’s wrong, Chi-ge? You seem a bit down?”

“It’s nothing,” Chi Zhao shook his head, still not admitting it. He picked up a lamb skewer to eat, avoiding Chen Kaiji’s gaze. “What could possibly be bothering your Chi-ge?”

“Nope, something’s definitely up.” Chen Kaiji looked him over carefully and still shook his head. “Chi-ge, just tell me. I can see it.”

His perception was too sharp, he wouldn’t let it go until he asked. Chi Zhao smiled wryly and clinked cans with him again. “Pretty sharp eyes you’ve got.”

Chen Kaiji looked at him nervously. “What? Something really is wrong?”

Sooner or later, he’d find out anyway. Chi Zhao didn’t hide it anymore. “Yeah, I confessed to Professor Fu.”

“To Prof— Damn! You confessed to Professor Fu?!” Chen Kaiji had had a bit to drink and was feeling it. Hearing this, he nearly jumped up, the skewer in his hand almost poking Chi Zhao in the face. He turned to see Chi Zhao’s calm expression, and his heart sank halfway. “Then… what did Professor Fu say?”

“What could he say?” Seeing his tense expression, Chi Zhao found it somewhat amusing and bumped his shoulder, not wanting the topic to be so heavy. His tone was quite light. “Just said we aren’t suitable.”

Although Fu Nan’an had admitted to liking him, he had ultimately rejected him. Professor Fu’s attitude was very clear, he didn’t actually want him to come find him. Chi Zhao relayed the conversation verbatim. Chen Kaiji drank his beer in silence, letting out a long sigh when Chi Zhao finished. “What a shame.”

It really was a shame. Saying he felt no regret would be a lie. Who wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with the person they like? But Chi Zhao didn’t want to make it seem like some great tragedy either. It wasn’t interesting. Liking someone is inherently a mix of bitterness and joy, something only you truly understand for yourself. As long as you’re willing, that’s enough. Chi Zhao smiled and patted Chen Kaiji’s shoulder, actually comforting him instead. “Alright, alright, it’s just a rejected confession. Don’t make it so tragic. There’s still a long road ahead.”

“No, Chi-ge, that’s not what I meant,” Chen Kaiji shook his head. “I didn’t expect this outcome. I thought you two would work out.”

Chi Zhao didn’t understand. “What do you mean?”

“Before, didn’t I always tease you two?” Chen Kaiji played with an empty beer can in his hand, his tone somewhat hesitant. “I don’t know if it’s appropriate for me to say this now… but I always felt Professor Fu’s feelings towards you were different.”

Chi Zhao laughed and asked casually, “How were they different?”

“Just different! The tone he used when talking to you was different, his attitude towards you was different from others—didn’t you always go to his office? Usually, he really dislikes us going to his office. If he has anything to say, he tells us in the main office.”

Chi Zhao shook his head wryly, thinking to himself, ‘That’s mainly because I pestered him so persistently.’ He asked Chen Kaiji if there were any specific incidents. Chen Kaiji said, “Of course there were!”

Chen Kaiji had originally thought Chi Zhao already knew and never planned to mention it. Seeing his downcast expression now, he realized Chi Zhao knew nothing. “For example, when we went on the rural outreach trip, Professor Fu only let you into his room. And when Yuanliang’s father hit you, he asked me about your condition several times in private. Oh, and also, have you seen your end-of-rotation evaluation? I saw it that day when I was organizing materials. Professor Fu wrote that you were his favorite student he’s ever taught! He literally wrote that in the evaluation!”

Chen Kaiji listed several things in one breath. Chi Zhao’s expression shifted repeatedly. He really hadn’t paid attention to these things before.

Fragments flashed through his mind: Fu Nan’an handing him cotton candy, those gentle yet powerful hands telling him he had grown up, him helping Yuanliang because of his pleas… and also, them talking heart-to-heart the entire night.

So, matters of love truly are a mix of sour and sweet. Even though Fu Nan’an had rejected him, thinking of these things still inevitably stirred fine, thread-like ripples in the depths of Chi Zhao’s heart. When Fu Nan’an initially said he’d had feelings for him, Chi Zhao had taken it as a polite remark for the situation. But now, hearing Chen Kaiji’s words, he felt that perhaps his passionate feelings hadn’t been entirely in vain. Fu Nan’an truly had held some affection for him. And that was enough.

The beer was soon finished. Chen Kaiji opened another can. The crumpled empty cans thrown into the plastic bag made rustling sounds. He asked Chi Zhao, “So what do you plan to do now?”

“What can I do?” Chi Zhao’s face met the night breeze. Under the lights, his eyes still held a sparkle. “Let nature take its course.”

Young love is like this. It doesn’t necessarily expect a specific outcome. That hazy emotion takes root deep in the heart—a mix of sour and sweet, the bitterness and joy known only to oneself. No matter the result, this experience will remain vivid and lively in future memories. Chi Zhao never regretted liking Fu Nan’an.

Another two weeks passed, and the weather turned warmer. After their heart-to-heart talk, the awkwardness and discomfort between Chi Zhao and Fu Nan’an actually disappeared. Fu Nan’an sent a message in the large intern group chat, asking if any students were willing to work on a project with him. Chi Zhao blinked and sent a message to Fu Nan’an.

[Professor Fu, do you think I’d be suitable?]