Chapter 23 – Liking someone can’t be hidden

Translator: Abo Dammen

The soft sensation was fleeting, but the tingling, electric feeling lingered on his lips for a long time. Chi Zhao’s heartbeat was rapid.

“Are you alright?” Fu Nan’an held his shoulders to steady him, then quickly let go with one hand. They were still very close, so close that Chi Zhao could almost feel the warm breath near his ear. He jumped out of Fu Nan’an’s embrace as if electrocuted, hurriedly saying, “N-No, I’m fine!”

Everything happened too fast, taking only three to five seconds. It wasn’t until Chi Zhao leaped out of Fu Nan’an’s embrace that the people around them reacted. In the urgency of the moment, Fu Nan’an had dropped his white cane. Chen Kaiji bent down, picked up the cane for Fu Nan’an, and handed it to him. “Professor Fu, your cane.”

“Thank you.” Fu Nan’an took the offered cane, gripping it in his hand again, and turned his head back towards Chi Zhao. “You didn’t fall, did you?”

The sensation on his lips was still so clear. Chi Zhao felt his heart was about to leap out of his chest, like a little rabbit’s. But Fu Nan’an’s expression was very calm, as if nothing had happened. Chi Zhao cleared his throat, trying hard to suppress his emotions. “No, no, I just tripped suddenly. Thank you so much, Professor Fu.”

“It’s nothing.” Fu Nan’an smiled slightly.

“Professor Fu’s reflexes are amazing,” Chen Kaiji exclaimed from the side. “He just pulled Chi-ge right in. I hadn’t even reacted yet.”

Fu Nan’an smiled gently and said, “Instinctive reaction. I didn’t expect to catch him so perfectly either.”

The small interlude passed in a flash. Everyone continued walking forward, still marveling at Fu Nan’an’s quick reflexes. Fu Nan’an said with a smile, “I practiced boxing for a while back in school. If you’re interested, I can teach you all sometime.”

So composed.

Chi Zhao glanced at Fu Nan’an’s profile, his heart quietly pounding.

Under the dim yellow light, Fu Nan’an’s eyes were slightly lowered, the smile at the corners of his lips gentle and serene. He was chatting and laughing with the students beside him, walking steadily step by step with his white cane in one hand. He was too composed, as if nothing that just happened had occurred, as if that fleeting, light kiss was just Chi Zhao’s imagination.

The sensation on his lips remained vivid. Chi Zhao wiped his lips with the back of his hand. The skin on the back of his hand was somewhat rough, a kind of occupational hazard for doctors. After coming to the hospital, he had to wash and scrub his hands dozens of times every day, no amount of hand cream could help.

It was different. The sensation was different. Chi Zhao was absolutely certain that what he had touched was indeed Fu Nan’an’s lips.

The distance from the hospital gate to the dormitory building wasn’t long, ending in the blink of an eye. The interns said goodbye to the professors and went upstairs. Chi Zhao went with them.

“Go on up,” Fu Nan’an instructed them gently. “Rest early.”

It wasn’t too late yet. Students were coming and going at the dormitory entrance. Among the hurried figures, Chi Zhao saw Fu Nan’an turn and leave, seemingly without the slightest hesitation. Chi Zhao’s lips parted and closed. Chen Kaiji, beside him, bumped his shoulder.

“What’s up, my Chi-ge?” Chen Kaiji asked him with a smile. “Not happy?”

Chi Zhao shook his head, about to say it was nothing, when Chen Kaiji enthusiastically slung an arm over his shoulder. “You’re leaving tomorrow. Let’s talk a bit more.”

With Chen Kaiji’s repeated invitation, Chi Zhao decided to accept it. He himself was actually quite reluctant to part. Moving from an old place to a new one always felt like this. The two went to the small shop at the entrance, bought a few cans of beer, and took them to the top floor of the dormitory building.

The rooftop was a large platform where students occasionally came to hang laundry. But it was nighttime now, and the surroundings were quiet. The evening wind felt a bit harsh on their faces. The sheets and clothes drying on the top floor billowed in the wind. Chen Kaiji spread his arms, feeling the wind blowing towards him. “The view up here is pretty good.”

Chi Zhao nodded. He didn’t usually come to places like this; if he did, it was just to hurriedly hang laundry and leave. But now, with the moon bright and stars sparse, and facing separation, talking and sharing feelings here felt quite fitting.

The bustling commercial district next to the hospital was right below. The dormitory building wasn’t tall, so they could hear the sound of heavy traffic underneath. Chen Kaiji popped open a beer can, clinked it with Chi Zhao’s, placed his hands on the railing at the edge of the roof, and sighed, “Time flies so fast.”

“Yeah,” Chi Zhao smiled, then suddenly remembered something. “I never thought we’d become friends before.”

Chen Kaiji choked a little, sheepishly rubbing the tip of his nose. “Bro, let’s not bring up the past.. I was immature back then.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Chi Zhao didn’t want Chen Kaiji to misunderstand and explained with a smile. “I just think fate is a pretty wonderful thing.”

Fate is indeed a wonderful thing, for both friendship and love. The two clinked cans in unspoken understanding. Chen Kaiji tilted his head back and took a gulp of beer. “That’s true.”

Friendship between guys isn’t complicated. If you can get along, you’re friends. Their conversation ranged from one topic to another. They hadn’t talked like this before, but now they felt like they’d hit it off immediately.

Actually, topics between friends are usually just a few: studies, work, and finally landed on their senior sister, Zhou Ruoyao, whom Chen Kaiji liked. Chen Kaiji said he’d liked that girl for quite a while, mentioned that he’d misunderstood Chi Zhao at first, and asked Chi Zhao not to mind.

Good friends don’t mind these things. Chi Zhao patted his shoulder and said it was fine. Chen Kaiji finished the remaining beer in one go and then said, “Chi-ge, I want to chase her.”

Those who dare to pursue love are brave. Chi Zhao would absolutely support his friend one hundred percent. He bumped Chen Kaiji’s shoulder. “If you want to chase her, then chase her. I support you.”

After a thought, he added, “If you need any help, just say it.”

Chen Kaiji laughed. “Don’t worry, Chi-ge, I won’t be polite with you.”

The conversation continued, shifting to how to pursue someone. Both were inexperienced, first-timers in this. After much thought, they could only conclude it was a matter of persistence by treating the other person well. Tricks were just false things, feelings ultimately depend on sincerity.

Chen Kaiji crushed the aluminum can, showing quite some determination. “I’m not in a hurry, Chi-ge. The rotation period is still long, I’ll take my time chasing her.”

Chi Zhao opened a bottle of beer and handed it to him, clinking it with his own. “Good luck.”

They say the one who falls in love first loses, but actually, matters of the heart have no clear winner or loser. The process of giving love and pursuing love is a mix of sour and sweet, its bitterness and joy known only to oneself. There might be disappointment, fear of the unknown, but the process of constantly moving closer to the one you love is also accompanied by an indescribable happiness.

With Chen Kaiji’s love story finished, it naturally came to Chi Zhao’s turn. Chi Zhao shook his head, initially not planning to bring it up, when he saw Chen Kaiji tilt his head and smile, stating without a doubt. “Chi-ge, you like Professor Fu, right?”

An interrogative sentence structure, but a declarative tone. Chi Zhao had no room to refute it. Liking someone can’t be hidden. Even if you close your mouth and avert your eyes, affection will unconsciously leak out in a fleeting glance. Perhaps stimulated by the parting, or perhaps because the feelings had been pent up in his heart for too long, Chi Zhao nodded and slowly let out one word. “Yes.”

From initial interest to now being deeply entangled, Fu Nan’an’s gentleness was like an inescapable net, firmly trapping his heart. Professor Fu was too good. Chi Zhao couldn’t deny his feelings for him. He slightly closed his eyes and said, “I like Professor Fu.”

“Could tell ages ago,” Chen Kaiji sighed a couple of times, then suddenly remembered something and quickly assured him, “Don’t worry, Chi-ge, I won’t tell anyone else.”

Liking someone of the same gender is often hidden and hard to describe. Although society is constantly progressing, this isn’t something to be spoken about lightly. Liking someone is inherently a very private feeling, and Chi Zhao also didn’t like talking about it openly. He had only come out to his roommates after living together for four years. But since he had confessed, Chi Zhao naturally trusted Chen Kaiji since he knew his character. “I know.”

Topics of the heart would always resonate. The two love-struck individuals stood on the same front at this moment. Chi Zhao asked Chen Kaiji when he had noticed his feelings for Fu Nan’an. Chen Kaiji smiled and said, “I noticed pretty early. The way you look at Professor Fu is different.”

Chi Zhao let out an “Ah,” momentarily stunned. “Is it obvious?”

“Not too obvious, but someone paying attention should notice,” Chen Kaiji said. “I teased you two a lot before, but I didn’t really think much of it in that way. It was only when I saw you jump out of Professor Fu’s embrace just now that it suddenly clicked. Your eyes were really glued to him at that time.”

As Chen Kaiji spoke, Chi Zhao instinctively touched his own face. His face flushes easily with alcohol. One beer down and his cheeks were already slightly warm. No need to guess, they were definitely red. The slight amount of alcohol flowed in his bloodstream, and Chi Zhao remembered that fleeting kiss again.

“You saw…” Chi Zhao started to ask, then abruptly fell silent.

Chen Kaiji was taken aback. “Saw what?”

“Nothing.” Chi Zhao shook his head.

He had wanted to ask if Chen Kaiji saw him and Fu Nan’an kiss, but realized it was inappropriate as the words reached his lips. Whether he saw or not, it wasn’t suitable to ask further. Their relationship was what it was. Touched or not, it should be treated as if it didn’t happen. It was just an accident.

The evening wind gushed into his clothes. Chi Zhao tilted his head back, letting his cheeks fully feel the wind. Threads of coolness brushed over his face, yet Chi Zhao’s face remained burning hot.

The temperature of those lips had been so hot, but Fu Nan’an’s reaction had been so cool. Chi Zhao knew he probably shouldn’t harbor fantasies, but liking someone is inherently uncontrollable. He was also fantasizing about Fu Nan’an’s response.

Did Professor Fu know that was a kiss?

Chi Zhao’s finger poked his own burning dimple, thinking slowly.

When Chen Kaiji said he could tell he liked Professor Fu, Chi Zhao had actually frozen for a couple of seconds. Liking someone can’t be hidden. Then, did Professor Fu know he liked him?

When you don’t like someone, everything is obvious. But when you truly care, you start worrying about what you’d gain and lose. His mind filled with images of Fu Nan’an’s gentle demeanor, Chi Zhao suddenly felt a bit afraid to continue thinking about it.

The next evening, Chi Zhao went to Fu Nan’an’s office again, just like before. He couldn’t guess Fu Nan’an’s thoughts, but he couldn’t go against his own feelings. He liked Professor Fu and wanted to see him.

The work in the Emergency Department was busy, worlds apart from the Psychology Department. But Chi Zhao still managed to come to Fu Nan’an during his rotating meal break.

Fu Nan’an was reading a book at his desk. Chi Zhao called out softly, “Professor Fu.”

“Chi Zhao?” Fu Nan’an paused, seeming somewhat surprised by his arrival. The expression on his face flashed by, and he soon said gently, “You’re here.”

It had almost become a tacit agreement between them. Chi Zhao, as usual, prepared the warm towel and placed it over Fu Nan’an’s eyes. The two made idle conversation.

Fu Nan’an asked Chi Zhao how things were in the Emergency Department. Chi Zhao smiled and said, “It’s alright.”

There’s always some adjustment when moving to a new department. The fast-paced style of the Emergency Department also tired Chi Zhao out a bit. But Fu Nan’an’s place was like the resting spot he constantly yearned for. By his side, he felt a sense of peace arising from the depths of his heart. This was his genuine feeling.

It’s just a pity that pleasant time always flashes by. In the blink of an eye, half an hour passed, and it was time for Chi Zhao to start his shift.

Work in the Emergency Department was hectic, and interns were no exception. Chi Zhao was on the night shift, so the maximum time he could stay with Fu Nan’an was half an hour.

Half an hour was too short, gone in the blink of an eye. Chi Zhao couldn’t help but stay a little longer. When it was really time to go, he was somewhat late. He hurriedly lifted the slightly cool towel from Fu Nan’an’s eyes, not even noticing that the back of his hand brushed against the corner of Fu Nan’an’s mouth.

A wonderful touch swept across his lips. Fu Nan’an’s movements paused slightly.

“Professor Fu, I have to go now,” Chi Zhao glanced hurriedly at the time on his phone, a bit anxious. “The shift handover is about to start over there.”

Fu Nan’an nodded slightly and said, “Go ahead.”

A rustling sound followed as Chi Zhao quickly packed his things and left hurriedly. With a “click” of the door lock, the word “goodbye” quickly dissipated in the air. The small office instantly fell quiet, leaving only the sound of hurried footsteps echoing in the corridor outside.

The footsteps grew farther and lighter. Fu Nan’an remained in the position he was in when Chi Zhao left. Only after the sound had completely disappeared did he slowly lower his gaze.

His vision was dark, as always. His hearing was quiet, utterly silent. Fu Nan’an slightly raised his hand and slowly placed it on his own lips, on the spot where Chi Zhao’s hand had brushed moments before.

His fingertip was rough, different from the touch of Chi Zhao’s hand. His body temperature was slightly lower than Chi Zhao’s. There was a thin layer of callus on his fingertip, left from reading Braille. The rough callus rubbed against his lip. Fu Nan’an’s finger slid from the corner of his mouth inward, inch by inch, finally brushing past the place where Chi Zhao’s lips had touched last night.

A very clear sensation, yet indescribable what it felt like. Time seemed to turn back to last night. The evening wind blowing on him had been slightly cool, but the body held in his embrace had been so warm. Fu Nan’an rubbed his lips with his fingertip, then, as if awakening from a dream, let his hand fall away.